Easy to Give... Hard to Take: Advice & the Modern Woman

Giving and Taking Advice

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. -Erica Jong
Often we seek advice because we need someone to give us the cold hard truth that we would prefer to avoid. I can attest to receiving advice while mumbling I know... I know...because I DO KNOW but I wish I did not, yet I am grateful to have a loved one who is willing to advise me anyway.

"Do-so" is more important than "say-so." -Pete Seeger
Much like the phrase "Practice what you preach."As we dish out advice we should pause and ask ourselves are willing to take this same advice and have we done so? When receiving advice, note if the person is walking the walk or just talking the talk. I'm sure they mean well but it makes a difference when weighing the impact of the advice if the person isn't taking it themselves.

In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend -Solon
We have some friends who don't mind telling you what they think you want to hear... then there are those who will be straight up and tell you the real deal. Sincere advice should not destroy a friendship so don't be afraid to share your real thoughts. If you have friends who constantly seek to please you and not push you... then how can you grow?

Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night -P.K. Dick
I'm no stranger to 4am calls and neither are any of my friends! I think whenever an issue is consuming your thoughts and emotions you need to take time to talk it out... but 4am is not a time to solve issues. Dawn brings new light both to the world and to your mind and heart, take that time to really think and reflect not to react in haste.

Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble -Sidney J Harris
I believe it is important that the advice isn't mere speculation, some issues people just will not understand because they have not been there, and as a person giving advice you should tread carefully if you have never ventured in that territory. The same with receiving advice, it is great to listen to a voice of reason but always consider the source and their experience. It doesn't make it any less valuable but it may not be easy to take the advice.

Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties -Aesop
A lot of people have their own shit going on and you just can't blindly take their advice. It may sound good, but that may because they are not only telling you what you want to hear, but also what they want to hear. And if asked for advice while going through personal difficulties do your friend a favor and admit that you may not be in the best place right now to advise on that issue but you are here to listen.

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. -Josh Billings
Everyone is quick to give advice, maybe because it feels great to be asked for it... maybe because we are happy to share the lessons we have learned or maybe we think we are far wiser than what we are. Nevertheless sharing is the easy part, but taking advice is a challenge. Some people seek the advice of several people before coming to terms with a resolution, and that is because often we don't hear what we want to hear or how we want to hear it and the repetition of the message will slowly began to sink in no matter how it is told.... Hence the next point...

Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into, the mind. -S.T. Cooleridge
When giving advice consider your deliverance, it makes a difference. I know I can be pretty uhm... cold when dishing advice and I am learning that deliverance can make all the difference. Giving the fact that advice is so difficult to take, if you going to give it to em give it to em nice and easy... but not in order to please, but in order to effectively get your point across.

Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them... -Me
Just because you're friend calls you in tears, baffled with many unanswered questions doesn't mean it is time for you to lay it on her. Just listen, as the first point makes they may already know the answer but need someone to listen to them think it through. At times they may ask for advice but allow your instincts and your knowledge of that person determine if they really just want you to listen. Its okay to take heed and realize your words of advice is not always needed but your listening ear would certainly do!

Freaky Friday Fact

While everything is going down with the economy one thing remains Up and at Attention...


...At Ease Soldier.

Yes according to several reports condom sales are sky rocketing during these hard economic times.

Is budgeting the new form of foreplay?

Does pinching pennies make you want to ride him until the cows come home?

Are can goods the new aphrodisiac? Mmmm beans...

I think not!

To be real, I believe condom sells are on a rise because, folks are really not trying to have kids in this economy! (minus that octo chick)

But the most important thing is that people are purchasing protection.

This is your Freaky Friday Fact for today and remember...

Don't be a fool... tell him to wrap his Tool! (evidently everyone else is doing it)

Shhhh…. Silencing the Hater within You

We are all Haters, it's only natural for us to have a little Hater within us. What distinguishes obvious haters from seemingly non-haters is the ability to silence the hater within.

Hating come as natural as breathing for many, for others it sort of creeps up on them and slips out in a few words or a text message. Nobody wants to be a hater so here are some tips on how to silence the hater within you:

• If you feel the urge to hate on someones success or achievement, pause and ask yourself "how can this motivate me?" while you're answering that question the hater within you has retreated into a dark corner. Asking yourself that question delivers your from hateration because you decided to put a positive spin on your initial emotions.
  
• When you see a female who looks pretty good and you can tell the she thinks that she looks damn good, so she's acting real stank like she shits roses... Your first reaction may be to comment on her repulsive air of confidence and narcissism, but no silence the hater within you by acting like you know you look good. Allow the confidence to be contagious… But do one better and pair your confidence with grace and class.
  
• Don't you hate it when you see a goooood looking man with an aiiight looking female, and when she catches you staring at them, you get buck like, "bytch don't nobody want you man!" –PAUSE— While you are staring over there all in her business, you may be overlooking the man for you... FOCUS... he could be passing you by!

Sometimes we're haters and we don't realize we are hating so here are a few ways to tell that you are hating:

• You find yourself searching for something to negatively criticize about a person... That's Hate
• You dislike this person but don't have a real reason why, you just don't like them... That's Hate
• Instead of congratulating you directly or indirectly opt to make a comment about something in order to undermine their achievement or the moment... That's Hate
• You are happy when some people are sad or miserable... That's Hate
• When someone is breaking out and doing something different you are critical and/or deliberately limit your support, because you wish you would have thought of it first... That's Hate
• You are stingy as hell with compliments... That's Hate!
  

So when you begin to feel yourself hating; First Accept it because its normal, Second silence it because its unnecessary, and Third confront it because if you don't it will keep coming back.

Just like we are all Sinners we are all Haters... So Save Yourself!

Refuse to accept your hate? Disagree? or Did I miss anything? Let me know leave a comment!

Deal Breaker: Bible Thumper

Now I know we all want a Christian Man (I'm making a generalization for those who are sensitive to such), but what if this man is a Go-Hard, Sunday Service, Morning Service, Bible Study, and Wednesday Prayer Service.

And I don't mean the show up for attendance church goer I mean he is truly committed. He knows the art of integrating the Word into every conversation and he leaves know meal prayerless. "Bless you" is a permanent fixture in his vernacular and he truly seeks the Lord.

He doesn't have a desire to go clubbin, listen to non gospel music, or premarital sex. He doesn't view it as "wrong" he just has little desire to do so...

Is this a deal breaker? Is a man who is in-tune with the Word and committed to being a Man of God, intimidating? Do we only desire a specific level of religious commitment from a man?

I think we want to be with a man who share similar views of religion, something like being equally yoked. And if you two are not on the same plane, it is not unusual to be attracted to a man who is on the level you aspire to be on, in terms of his relationship with God. We can learn from a man with a strong relationship with the Lord, and though he may not be "the one" it is always great to have the digits of a man who wouldn't hesitate to pray for you when needed.


I don't think it is a deal breaker, so long as the man isn't the true definition of a Bible Thumper

Bible Thumper: One who uses the Bible to attack/defame others' characters instead of as a guide to proper living. These people tend to be depressingly ignorant of anything else except the Bible and behavior as expected by the religious.


I'm not a frequent church goer but I used to feel bad for the church boys thinking dang these good boys never get play but little did I know Church Boys can get down with the rest of em... fo' real!

Its so crazy how a place like church can be the breeding ground for sexual firsts of many. I was watching Judge Hatchett and there were two teens at court asking for a paternity test. He was 14 and she was 13!!

So Judge Hatchett inquired about how did they meet and when did the sexual relationship begin... and wouldn't you know it they both admitted it commenced between the pews, continued on the church van, and then there were the occasional encounters in the church parking lot during bible study... I wasn't as shocked as their parents, but that's crazy! Or am I being naive?

I digress... Back to the question at hand, is a church going, straight shootin', bible thumping man too much for you right now? Or just what you need in these times?

Mama Always Said...

"If you lie down with dogs you'll get up with fleas!"

One of the greatest expressions that have ever graced my ears! I couldn’t agree more, “If you lie down with dogs, you will wake up with fleas.”

*Lie Down-Not necessarily sleeping with, but also investing your time and energy into this person.
*Dogs- No good men, ain’t bout nothing women, irresponsible, selfish, ego-driven… click here for more examples.
*Wake up- To become physically and mentally alert to/ aware of…
*Fleas- Unwanted drama (what drama is wanted?), displeasing/ disturbing/ devastating emotions, or undesirable physical changes i.e. STIs/ STDs

On some conscious level we are all aware of the lesson behind this expression yet often we silence our logic and decide to act otherwise. Knowingly, opting to associate and interact with dogs is straight foolish!

We know this, yet there is a little voice of foolery in our minds (often confused with our heart) that is encouraging us to give them a chance… this could different… you can change them… it’s not that serious you are just friends…So we take a chance on them, then turn around and wonder why we now have fleas. As the definition states I am not specifically talking about STD’s, I mean we wonder why he is acting this way. What’s up with all of the drama? Why am I feeling so low? Confused?


Often we don’t recognize the dog beneath the sheep clothing and “lie down” unfortunately to wake up to some bull… Lesson learned.

I don’t want to limit this expression to romantic relationships; one could easily associate it with casual friendships. Those friends who choose to be involved in destructive activities, looks to attract drama, and any reason to douse an altercation with gasoline will suck you into their cycle of destruction.

Cut them off… You don’t need dogs in your life. Do something magnificent in your life and cut loose the people you know aren’t about shyt. I know I know... some dogs are so entertaining… they always answer when you’re up at 3am lonely as hell… they aren’t “bad” all the time… oh and you’ve known them forever so it would be janky if you just cut them loose like that. I know! I know!

Now pause for a second and quit making excuses- take a chance and do something for YOU.

Create a HEALTHY distance from people who are emotionally, spiritually, socially, and physically draining you, and work on strengthening the bonds with people who are emotionally, spiritually, socially, and physically fulfilling you.

This expression is definitely golden and should echo on for generations to come.


What really concerns me is do we really have to learn the hard way in order to truly learn this lesson?

Lied to you

Stood you up

Bad mouthing you

Two-faced/ Cheating

Taking advantage of you

In varying degrees women have managed to forgive men who have committed these offenses, after an apology and a good cussin' out women feel confident that now he knows better. How many of us have had girlfriends/ home girls/ friends who have done the exact same thing? How many of us can say they are still friends with them?

I believe there is a double standard when it comes to how we approach forgiveness in our relationships. It is so easy for women to tear down one another and end friendships after feeling betrayed or hurt, yet we are encouraged to forgive a man when he does the same thing.

Do we value our male relationships more than our female relationships? Do females treat their male friends far better than they treat their female friends for no other apparent reason other than gender? Even if the friendship is platonic, what makes their apology much more sincere than hers? What makes his actions much less offensive then hers?

Believe me, men have no problem putting bros before hoes, they clearly value their male relationships and keep their female relationships on their appropriate rung. Why can't we females share this type of solidarity? Am I wrong to expect that of my female friends?

Thoughts? Can anyone help explain this phenomena?

What Makes Him Tick… Makes You Sick!

At the beginning of relationships you are all "souped up" in the Butterfly Stage. You get butterflies when he calls you, you get butterflies when you see him you get butterflies when someone mentions his name. You are feeling him, his swag, the way he talks, the way he smells, you two are vibing about music preferences, watching Law & Order SVU together its just perfect.

But soon after some months, the little things you didn't notice before become most apparent, the way he chews, how he follows every sentence with "knaw wat I'm sayin?"… Or maybe the fact that he's been playing that same CD in the car since you two met and you are really getting sick of hearing Lil Wayne, or how he grunts and flex his biceps like a primitive beast after he orgasms. Now those butterflies have morphed into those annoying ass knags that tickle your ears and get caught in your eyelashes and shit (Ughhh I hate those!), when you reach this point in the relationship it can make or break a couple. That's because it goes both ways, there are little things you do that irritates the hell out of him as well!

Wise people always advise that you do not sweat the "small stuff," but where do you draw the line? I think it is so interesting how after the Butterfly Stage couples kind of just fall off their game, ladies and fellas both begin to get comfortable and stop doing the things that got them this far. I wonder what motivates this change? After the Butterfly Stage, is that when people begin to take their masks off and say, "Aha! Now that I got (fucked) you this is who I am! And you're going to stay because I may be committed to you just enough to keep you intrigued!" or maybe not.

Honestly, this is exactly why I am not a fan of throwing the "L" word around. It is easy to think you are falling in love while in the Butterfly Stage because everything seems so perfect and so "right." Yeah… right! Wait until those initial feelings kind of subside before declaring your love for him, because you never know; what makes him tick, surely may make you sick! And there is not anything wrong with that, that's why you get to know one another to see how you two vibe…

Pump the brakes be patient and really be committed to getting to know him for who he is, not who you want him to be, who he MAY be a year from now, or who he was back in High School, but who he is N-O-W and who knows What makes him tick, may make you TOCK!

What was one of the most annoying habits you learned about a person you dated that literally made you pause and give them the screw face like WTF?!?

I will go first so check the comments section!

If you’re single and you know it, clap your hands! Part II

Singles want one thing and one thing only… A significant other.

If I were an alien who so happen to land in hmmm I don't know- Atlanta, GA, and wondered into an apartment and decided to binge on good ol' cable television for several days I would easily draw that conclusion about single people in our society. The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, Love New York (and the rest of the Vh1 crap), these programs glorify marriage and/or embarking into "coupledom" even if they are semi scripted (lol). Then there are those popular series like Girlfriends, Sex and the City, even Friends about a group of "single" friends searching for a relationship. As a (then) single viewer part of me wanted feel empowered because I could relate to them, but soon the other part of me felt left behind as they entered into coupledom and slowly began to drift apart. Is that what happens to a group of friends after they each meet "the one," they are no longer tight? Does the weekly brunch with cocktails turn into occasional texts and instant messaging? (Future post)

Even if you are not a huge fan of television you still can not escape the hype. Walk into any books store and shelves are over flowing with self help books on being single and A)coping with being single (as though it is a disease), B)finding a mate, C)preparing for a mate, D) getting over losing a mate, E)pleasing a mate... There are FEW really good books about being single and just being. I'm actually working on a detailed review for one of those books so look out for that post!

The internet is worse! The lucrative business of matchmaking and hooking-up has been booming over the past decade. Singles across the nation invest hundreds in dating sites and other social networks in hopes of finding the one. It's okay to look is a popular tagline urging singles to jump on in there and find "the one"!

We live in a society where we are led to believe that if you are single you must be looking or just got out of a relationship and will be looking soon. Even if you are clearly single and happy people scrutinize your status with several assumptions; she has loads of baggage, can't keep a man, commitment-phobe, workaholic etc. As a result of the scrutiny and societal presumptions, many people dart into relationships with the belief that being single requires them to look for a mate. This is the assumed behavioral norm of singles.

According to societal standards, no matter how successful, accomplished, wealthy, spiritually fulfilled, strong your friendships and family ties- if you are single that means nothing you are still incomplete without a mate and if you have not found one (after a certain amount of time) something is wrong with you.* I am going to be honest and this is pure speculation, Oprah is probably with Stedman (or better yet chooses to be associated with Stedman) because she got tired of people obsessing over her romantic life.

I am not saying that there isn't anything wrong with being single and actively looking, I am only trying to emphasize that if you are single you do not HAVE to be looking.

Despite being heavily stigmatized, being single is not a disease and should not be seen as an obstacle or a burden so I urge you not to perceive it that way. "I need a man"... "I gotta find me a man"... "Where is my future husband?"

To look or not to look, the decision is yours and truly own it, do not let societal messages pressure you to have a relationship, or fear being alone or any fear for that matter. Do not allow yourself to believe that you are single because something is wrong with you and a 300pg catch-him-guide is going to be the answer to your prayers.

Whatever decision you make, make that decision from a positive place. If you are not making it from a positive place then take time to rethink it, because if the decision is not coming from a positive place the path will not lead you to a positive place.

*inspired by the book Singled Out (review coming soon)

Thoughts? Comments?

The Art of Revealing: Your Past

While dating, it is expected to want to learn about one another but sometimes we can be a bit hasty about revealing our past. In this two part post I will address the Art of Revealing your past, and his past (you may recall the previous post, The Art of Revealing: His Intentions)

What do you want him to know and why?

Sharing with him your likes and dislikes is healthy and important for him to know at the start of the relationship. However, sharing with him details about your sexual past or past relationships could be a deal breaker. Before you opt to divulge ask yourself, "why am I telling this 'stranger' this personal information?"

Are you telling him so that is may serve as a warning? You may tell him "I've been hurt in the past" expecting him to see the caution signs when in reality he sees the Exit sign, because he doesn't want to deal with your baggage.

Are you telling him because you feel that it will strengthen the bond you two share? If you're starting your conversation with "I've never told anyone this but…" you need to pause and remind yourself that not only is he essentially a stranger but he has no obligation to remain your confidant is the relationship ends or even during the relationship.

Are you telling him with hopes that you are leading by example, and by "opening up" to him he will in turn open up to you? Don't kid yourself into thinking he's going to divulge information to you in the same magnitude you are to him. And as I will mention in the another post, there are things that you should not want to pry into when dating.

Sometimes we so desperately want a male shoulder to lean on and cry on, someone to validate us and our emotional turmoil that we pour our souls out the very second we have a chance. You want to be able to tell him anything, even the things you swear you'd take to the grave you feel it is a privilege to have a man to share it with, or maybe you do not know what are some good conversations to have when first dating.

Getting to know one another is something that takes time and does not require you to volunteer too much information, however I am not condoning hiding anything that may true. If you are uncomfortable answering a question say, "Maybe we can talk about that another time" or Yea, I'm not really comfortable sharing that with you at this point" do not be afraid to create those boundaries, I am certain it won't cause him to run and hide, if anything it will intrigue him.

Why are you frontin’ like you actually have “high standards”?

Okay I’m going to break my silence about this Rihanna situation only to make a point. Everybody has something to say about Rihanna, her situation and her decisions. I think we all can agree that it is an ugly situation, and we all can agree that we would never want to be in her position as a woman or lover, but what you may not realize is that you could be well on your way.

Ranting about how you would never do this, never accept that, never be in this or that situation, means nothing if you do not have self love and one way to develop that self love when dealing with relationships is by setting boundaries.

You could spend all night making a list of the characteristics your “dream” man must have; nice smile, funny, smart, at least 6’1”, church going… etc. Mentally you filter these men out as they approach you, shutting them down immediately if they don’t meet the requirements. But what happens when you do meet that ideal man? Where are the lists? How firm are your standards? Have you set boundaries?

As a human, people teach you how to interact with them based on what you allow and do not allow for them to do during encounters. Let me break this down… You learn how to treat a person when they show you what is acceptable and what is not acceptable when interacting with them. When a man is treating you wrong, and continues to treat you wrong it is your fault if you have not taken the steps to set the boundaries.

A boundary-less relationship is one that leaves you used, abused, and filled with resentment. A boundary-less relationship is one that involves a long term relationship with man who refuses to commit. A boundary-less relationship is one that progresses at the convenience of him and not you.

You create boundaries by determining what you want and would like to gain from the relationship. You create your boundaries BEFORE you enter a relationship… the boundaries should be the same across the board for all of your (potential) relationships, why? This is because boundaries are based on your values.

Having boundaries is not entirely about being able to walk away from a destructive relationship, but is about being able to negate the behaviors and tendencies that create a destructive behavior. Boundaries are about learning to say “No” without saying it, because we all know words mean nothing and actions are everything.

Some women fear boundaries because they think its creating a “No Pass Zone” in their relationship, essentially restricting the potential of their encounter and discouraging the guy from pursuing them further. Boundaries help build healthy relationships and filter out the bad ones, why would it hurt to set standards in a relationship while you have so many standards for men who are pursuing you outside of a relationship? Best believe he has some boundaries...!

It is a bit irritating when women want to nick pick the single men who are pursuing them aligning them with these superficial standards, then when they surpass preliminaries they allow them to run all over them, or they don’t enforce healthy boundaries.

The things you let him get away with he is going to continue to try to get away with. Forgiveness is a personal trait that is more for your well-being and sanity then it is for the future of the relationship. You can forgive him, while recognizing he has violated a boundary and enforce repercussions- enforce with your actions not with your mouthpiece.

Be real with yourself! If he has done something and it has you saying, “that is not okay,” he has crossed a boundary!

Thoughts?

Do you have some examples of the type of boundaries you set in relationships?

Freaky Friday: Let him eat it before he beats it…

I want to take a poll of how many women had intercourse with their man before he went down on them. Then I want to ask the same group of women how many performed oral sex on their man before they had intercourse with them… ?

I feel like women can be hesitant about letting a man perform oral sex on them for the first time, maybe it has to do with how comfortable we are with our vulva (yes vulva not vagina, the vagina is the inside, the vulva is the outside which include the lips and clitoris) many women stray away from receiving oral sex because they are so self conscious, they worry they may smell, how it may taste, how it looks, etc…

This is very common which is why I am an avid supporter of masturbation and self exploration so you know what does and does not work for your yoni.Or maybe we are afraid he won't do it well, geez how many females had to persevere through some B-A-D head? Just had to gently push his head away and say "thanks baby that was nice" LOL!! And in that case you need to open your mouth and tell him what to do, how soft, slow, or fast to do it and use your hands to guide him.

Or maybe he doesn't seem interested in doing it, if that is the case and you want to try it, you should verbally suggest that he "tastes it." I'm sure he does not have a problem "suggesting" that you taste his!

Women may actually prefer intercourse over receiving oral sex because intercourse is more "intimate" but cunnilingus can be very intimate, sensual and empowering. Even if you prefer to only have intercourse sex I do not understand how true foreplay can occur without a little tongue action… I am going to assume that most women let him cut the cake before he licked the frosting, but maybe I am wrong, you tell me!

And remember, Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener!

Chriannagate and Why We Care

Special Guest Post by ConsciousYung1

Each day I log onto my blogs to get my daily celebrity gossip and recently my heart has been saddened by the string of events surrounding these two rising pop stars. No need to give a synopsis of the situation, At this point everyone with a pulse can tell you. Chris Brown basically said to RihRih- “Let me slap you down”. He sent her to “Rehab”. She was singing “S.O.S.” He bashed her head against the window and subsequently left her bloodied and bruised in his Lamborghini.

No surprise she took him back.

My question is what does this all mean? What does her willingness to re-enter into this volatile situation symbolize not just about Rihanna but about Black women and domestic violence in general? Chriannagate could be Shaquronnegate. Everyday, Black and Brown women are mentally and physically abused by their spouses and refuse to report the pain they suffer.

Why?

Money: There is often a financial incentive to stay. When a man can financially isolate a woman and she is dependent upon him for her stability she is more likely to stay. She may need his money to maintain a certain lifestyle ( if she is wealthy) or just to survive ( if she is low-income).

Manipulation: Often the abuser will say hyperbolic statements like “I will kill myself if you leave me”

When the victim returns, there is calm for a while. But trust and believe, something, really anything, will set the abuser off again and there you are looking like this....

As for Rihanna.... does this mean she can never sing “ Take a bow” again? I guess not.We don’t believe you-- you need more people!

Please if you or someone you know is being abused by his/her spouse/partner .... get help today. http://www.ndvh.org/

If you’re single and you know it, clap your hands!

Single and _______ (fill in the blank).

A) Horny

B) Looking

C) Happy

D) Lonely

This is the first of a multi-part series (right now I’m not sure how many parts it will be but I am certain it will be more than 3) about Singlehood. I am not a singles expert by any means, I struggled with being single and I hope I can get some messages through by sharing what I learned from my mistakes. I will also be featuring some very FLYY and extremely happy singles who are going to help me debunk some myths and stigmas associated with being single.

In our society being single is not only frowned upon but also stigmatized. If you are single you are all of those answers above EXCEPT “C” And the funny thing is, you can be married for 20 years and be all of those things above except “C.” Sex and the City, and Girlfriends (may it Rest In Peace- we need you Tony!! Come back!) are television series that focus on women and the sexscapades, dating faux pas, and search for their happily ever after as men run in and out of them like a Waffle House in ATL at 4am Sunday morning! Yes these shows made us feel more comfortable about being single and the ups and downs of relationships and dating well because we could relate, however they were also successful in convincing us that we couldn’t have a “happily ever after” without having a man. We could be flyy as hell but one thing would be missing… a man.

Just think of the hundreds of dating sites there are online, it is a very lucrative business, because there is an urgency to find a mate, while most of us have yet to even find ourselves. If you are not happy being single, being in a relationship with yourself, then how can you give your best in a relationship when you are unable to give the best to yourself?

Being single is not a scarlet letter or a timer ticking away as your eggs dry up… Being single is an opportunity! It is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, pamper yourself, explore your spirituality and nurture your friendships. Don’t be fall victim to being press to find a man, desperate to keep a man, and reluctant to let go of a man. Instead be pressed to find yourself, desperate to stay true to yourself, and reluctant to give yourself away.

This post is only an introduction to the many more topic to come focusing on singlehood, and here’s a little something for you just to give you a taste of what is to come;

Single and stereotypes

Single and destructive relationships

Empowering singlehood

Single and religious expectations

…and much more!

You will never find another like me! ...Right?

You were a good girlfriend and you stuck by him through the hard times and catered to him during the good times, however it didn't work out and you are determine to make him realize that he has made a huge mistake by taking you for granted and he lost out on a good thing.

Why else are you still calling him, in order to throw in his face where he fell short, and why you two could never be together again?

Why else are you wondering why hasn’t he called or texted you and you two had broken-up 2 weeks ago?

Why else do you need reassurance that he “understands” the error of his ways?

You are desperately seeking VALIDATION and the cold hard truth is that it is not about him… it is about you.

Seriously, what makes you think that he will give you the “validation” or “emotional satisfaction” NOW when he never gave it to you from the start? It is like you are saying,

“You showed me who you were (your true colors) and I was able to reveal your intentions while in the relationship, and you were no good! Which is why our relationship ended HOWEVER now that I am gone, I am certain you will morph into someone else and give me the validation you were incapable of giving me while in the relationship.”

Does that help you see how foolish this is?

If anything you should know that you are not obligated nor is it your responsibility to “teach him” or “show him” anything. You are an independent mind just as he is… Let him go and if he has that realization, who cares?!? You have already moved forward into more positive and productive things.

I emphasize “who cares?!?” because you truly do not need him to validate or reassure you of something you ALREADY know. You know you were good to him, you know he lost out on a good thing, you know how he fell short and the error of his ways… If he doesn’t know this he may have no interest in recognizing it or he recognizes it but is not reacting in a way that is satisfactory to you. There’s the root of the issue.

You are hoping for a reaction that you may not get and you truly should not seek. If he doesn’t “get it” then he just doesn’t “get it,” but you do, can you find comfort and worth in that?

If you feel this is going to help you move on, let him go, or gain some much needed closure- You are wrong. You are only making it more difficult to let him go, there is no comfort to be found in this route, there is no end to this path, and what is worse you are creating a habit that you will practice when ending relationships to come.

I believe that when you choose to seek validation or even act in this manner you are completely discrediting and devaluing your very own ability to make judgments and be comfortable and confident with your decisions. Be the reassurance that you seek, let your drama-free future be the validation that you seek.

Why even when the relationship ends we feel we need a MAN (or another person) to validate our feelings? Thoughts? Do Share...

Mama Always Said…

If you look you will find...

For the longest time I had the wrong interpretation of this phrase, perhaps because it was often delivered as a scolding reaction by a no good boyfriend after I caught him cheating. I would always rebut this phrase by saying, "well if you didn't have anything to hide then I wouldn't find anything!" I thought the phrase was suggesting that catching your significant other cheating was inevitable so, "if you look you will find" that the awful truth is all men are dogs.

I thought this would be the perfect Mama Always Said… saying for the theme of Sabotaging Relationships, because when I began to understand the meaning of this expression I realized not only how true it was, but how often we were all guilty of it.

If you look you will find whatever it is you are looking for, why? Because if you are truly and whole heartedly seeking something, nothing will stop you from discovering that "something." This can be inspirational for someone seeking career advancement, academic achievements, or self-fulfillment however, this can be destructive for someone seeking validity in a relationship.

If you are dating a man and you feel he is cheating, so you seek to prove that and ultimately you find that he is cheating. Are you really shocked?

Even if someone is not cheating on you or hiding anything from you, your unnerving drive to validate your insecurities will find truth in anything that seems ambiguous. You will find doubt in any explanation that he gives. You will not be at peace unless you prove that he is no good, you are willing to take that one little ounce of doubt and pursue it, amplify it, instigate it, injecting a noxious poison into your relationship eventually pushing your significant other away and ending the relationship. And when you two break up you will rationalize, "he was a dog anyway."

If you look you will find, because for one you already know Who and What he is, and if he is no good you know what the fate is… so what you are looking for is right under your nose, so save the O-M-G face and be real with yourself from the start.

If you look you will find, because secondly, if you are not ready for a healthy relationship (by taking time to deal with your insecurities, trust issues, self esteem, and baggage) you are going to have an unhealthy relationship no matter how you flip it.

If you look you will find, finally because if you have your mind set on believing that all men are no good and will eventually butcher your heart, then all men you date will not be good enough and any imperfection he reveals will butcher your heart.

By no means am I implying that you should not look out and pick up on the signs of a no good significant other, but what I am saying is that by amplifying and instigating every seed of doubt that enters your mind may be a sign that you have some personal issues you need to resolve.

I do think at times insecurity can drive you to believe something you have yet to witness, the fear becomes overwhelming and the only way to have any peace of mind is to prove that your fear is valid. Some women call it intuition… I don't know about all of that… but it is clear that this state of mind is unhealthy.

I think this expression is still very much so Golden, my new found interpretation may not be very popular, however from experience it holds to be very true.

Do you have a different interpretation? Thoughts?