Rain...Rain... Go Away...

One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months.

We been through every kind of rain there is.

Little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain.

Rain that flew in sideways.

And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. -Forest Gump

Rain and storms are going to come in life, and if you are not anchored you and the things you care for may be swept up in the turmoiltuous weather.

If you feel as though the clouds are turning grey and you can "smell" the rain coming (LOL you know how you can smell the rain in the air?!... maybe that's just a southern thing *shrug*) you are at an advantage because you can prepare for the worse, don't turn a blind eye to the signs because you are in denial or believe you do not have the "energy" to persevere through what is coming. Instead, lower your anchor, wherever and whatever it may be anchor yourself in what will keep you positive, steady, and motivated to get through it all.

Most of us don't see it coming, one moment it is beautiful and sunny and the next moment there are scattered thunder storms and tornado warnings. Panic sets in because we do not understand... everything seemed fine... where is all of this coming from? Confusion flutters our hearts and minds as we seek understanding...

Emotions ranging from Anger to Denial flood our minds that we fail to take time to set our anchor and are often swept away by storm.

When I feel that I am going through a storm, I get so caught up in trying to understand what has happened, and I am so overwhelmed by my emotions that i neglect what works for me and what has worked for me before. It seems like I become determined to "fix" the situation and I forget to protect myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. What I have learned is that I can only endure as much as i am prepared to endure. Sure the situation may get fixed... but what about the collateral damage?

Some people react differently from myself. There are those who go through storms and become stagnate. The allow the rain to soak them to the bone and they give in to the high winds, have you ever met someone who doesn't mind being cold and wet? Who would rather talk about how miserable, confused, and discourage they are, than make an effort to get through and move past their troubles? I do. And it is not they enjoy those moments, I believe those moments give them an excuse... An excuse as to why they don't want to be in a committed relationship... why they can't finish school... why they are in debt... excuse why they can not find a job... and excuse why they can't let go of destructive relationships... excuses for days. They may say: See, this is why_______ (fill in the blank), because nothing seems to work out for me and yadda yadda yadda...

The rains and storms of life are inevitable... how we overcome them makes all the difference.

They say, "Those who live in sunshine may have faith, but those of us who walk in the shadows (and storms) MUST have faith."

Think about those life moments when you felt the rain drowning you and the winds pushing you... Can you believe you got through it?!? Shouldn't that be proof enough that you will get through the next storm to come?

Who and/or what was your anchor?

And what about the aftermath... are you not stronger?


I thought we were over this...

I was listening to my favorite radio show during my commute home from work this week, and the topic was on inter-racial dating. I rolled my eyes thinking this is old news who is still stuck on this? and too my surprise a flood of callers all black females called in venting their rage about black men dating white women.

Two points came to mind that I would like to share;

1-Male or female, black or white or Hispanic or whatever... straight or gay, whoever you are, I personally feel is would be unfortunate for you to miss an opportunity to meet your soul mate because you refuse to date outside of your race/ethnicity.

I feel everyone can benefit from broadening their scope and going beyond their comfort zone to meet potential mates. I'm not saying it is easy but I am saying that it may actually be rewarding.

2-Chris Rock brought up this point in his stand up "Kill the Messenger" and I found it quite profound. He suggested that the only reason why black women get upset about black men dating white woman is because... y'all ready for this?

Black women are not as attracted to white men as black men are to white women.
So basically the "ratio" is not balanced and therefore unfair to black women, hence the root of their rage. Between gay men and white women black women may feel their chances are slim to none catching a black man...

I don't think that is necessarily true. There are plenty of attractive white men out there I would suggest the issue may be that white men may not be as attracted to black women.

I thought I would share this excerpt from a blog I read;

The more I woke up next to a white woman, I found my self attracted to the smell of their hair, their smoothly shaved legs, their french manicured toes, their porcelain like skin and their free spirit. The contrast of our skin is one of the most erotic things I can imagine.
I know plenty of beautiful black women, but I don’t find myself attracted to them in a romantic way. I can appreciate their beauty, but it’s not for me. Over the years, some have taken this as a insult. I take it as the ability to make a choice and to have a preference.

It is a pretty good blog you can find the rest of the post here where the blogger, Ethan, details why he prefers to date white women http://idatewhite.com/2008/09/30/why-white-women-2/

I am so over the interracial dating controversies I feel like they are so 1997ish... however a lot of communities still deal with the issue and interracial couples still are being harassed.

Do you feel like there are still extreme abstentions to interracial dating? What group of people do you think have the most issues with it? Don't you think we should be over it by now? Am I being too naive or optimistic...?

Dealing with the “Homies”

Since I don’t really watch For the Love of Ray J it took me a considerable amount of time to get the joke, “Danger She Smashed the Homies…” But once I caught on my initial reaction was wow that sucks… but isn’t anything new.

Whether or not you have “smashed” his “homies” I believe dealing with the friends of the guy you are dating can be complicated at times. Here are ways to handle his friends and still come out on top:

Don’t smash them… This should go without saying, however I am taking time to address this issue because it’s a small world and many times social circles can overlap so you may have dated or hooked up with a friend of his and never suspected you would cross paths again. If this is the case handle it with a great deal of poise. Be cordial and when you have the first opportunity pull your guy aside and mention “hey just so you know I know Derrick from some months ago, it’s a small world huh?” Whether or not he asks for more information that’s on him, but by giving him that heads up he won’t be caught off guard if his friend approaches him about you.
Let them have their “guy time”… It’s a nice idea to be able to hang around with him and all of his friends like “one of the guys” but the truth is you are not. And believe it or not men value their alone time with their friends even if you are really cool and charming, give them that space.

Don’t seek their approval… Remember you are dating him not his buddies, so there is no need to overextend yourself in an attempt to seek their approval. If his friends like you that is great and if they don’t it is not the end of the world. Maybe in time they will come around and realize you’re not so bad, or maybe the truth is they don’t like any of his girlfriends because they are simply haters. It is not up to you to instigate the issue, you just focus on being a great girlfriend and being cordial to his friends. Remember you are his girlfriend not one of the guys. Just be yourself and enjoy your relationship.

His friends may not be very inclusive with you, or may not include you in the conversation and that doesn't mean they don't like you that is just how men operate. With that said don't force yourself into the conversation or become a chatterbox. Strike a balance running your mouth too much can come off as annoying and somewhat insincere... while remaining quiet makes you seem stuck up, so just go with the flow chime in when relevant, relax, and be you.

Don't embarrass him... Maybe lay off the pet names and avoid telling embarrassing stories. When you're chillin with a bunch of fun loving guys at times it is hard to gauge what is and is not appropriate, so just be safe and avoid anything that would make your boyfriend feel awkward or embarrassed.

Be respectful… Just because you are his girlfriend that doesn’t mean you can treat his friends like crap. Even if you do not like them instead of attacking them, simply limit the time you are around them. If your issue with them is very personal and affects how you feel about your guy spending time with them, then that is a conversation you should have with your boyfriend.
Birds of a feather flock together… This saying has proven to be very true. If you notice your guy’s friends are a bunch of womanizing players, don’t immediately pass judgment but do take it very seriously.
When you are dating someone you are in the process of getting to know them, and by meeting their friends there is another component about them that is being introduced, take it into as much consideration as you would if he told you he likes to have a lot of female friends or he wants to be married within the next 5 years.
Don’t make him choose… If you get into a situation where you are asking your man to choose between you and his friends, you are facing a losing battle. Even if he does give up his friends he is also giving up a part of himself that he will need in order to function in a healthy relationship. Whether or not you think his friends are a bad influence on him you have to realize that he is a man and can think for himself. If he’s being negatively influenced then it is result of his actions nobody else. So see it for what it is and instead of making HIM choose perhaps you need to be the one deciding if you will stay or go.
Speak up and act out… One thing I can not stand is when a guy allows his friends to disrespect his girlfriend. Whether or not it is in jest, it is still inappropriate and is not something you should willingly sweep under the rug. How he perceives you and how his friends perceive you is all in your control. You may not be a prude but you still don’t play like that or think that joke was funny or even felt those actions were personally offensive. Don’t be afraid to speak up about it, if you don’t who will? And they will either respect your for that or not, but I can assure you they will think twice about doing it again. Also, confronting it doesn’t have to be like a bad episode of Maury, you can simply say “I know y’all are kidding, but I don’t really play about stuff like that, so we coo?”
And consider the fact that your boyfriend may or may not know that you are offended so be sure to point it out to him so you two are on the same page. Granted if he knows that you are being disrespected or offended and he’s allowing it… you are dating a jackass and should be preparing for immediate departure. If his friends are hitting on you or flirting you need to check his friend and give your guy a heads up... If you can't tell whether or not they are flirting- just to be safe intentionally distance yourself from that particular friend.
For some you and your bf's social circles may directly overlap and if that is the case, you are at a great advantage. However, one issue you may encounter is spending too much time with one another so don't be afraid to leave the guys at home and have a girls night out... Yea I know its a lot more fun when the guys are around, but this is a healthy habit you should develop because you do not want to feel smothered in your relationship.
Another issue you two may face if you run with the same group of friends is everyone being in your business, you two may not last forever so when things are rocky try not to vent to the friends, cussing him, and making them choose sides, this will put you and your friends in a very awkward situation especially after the dust settles.

How do you deal with his friends? Any luck in that department? Any especially awkward situations? and how did you handle it?


Act like a Lady, Treat Him like a Man

On the heels of the Steve Harvey "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" foolery, I thought it would be necessary to address the unnerving necessity to treat men like they are children.
Why do we have to follow ridiculous rules and round-a-bout antics just to get a man to act right?

He is not a child, therefore we should be encouraging him to be more accountable not making excuse for his behavior. I don't believe I should have to shelve my physical desires in order to have a healthy relationship (Harvey's 90 day rule). Why can't we have sex and still be vibing afterwards? Do I want to be with a man who would act any differently?

No. And I don't believe that is a personal view, I feel most women share that sentiment. Women want to be open to be who they are and display their true personality without worrying about breaking a rule, or failing to teach the man a lesson. It seems these books want to teach us to suppress out natural desires and instincts in order to accommodate his... That makes no sense to me.

Why can't we just be who we are as women and treat him as a man... an adult male?

Anything else is child's play!

Here is an example from Harvey's Book:

"We need to talk."For a man, few words are as menacing as those four—especially when a woman is the one saying them and he's on the receiving end. Those four words can mean only two things to men: either we did something wrong or, worse, you really literally just want to talk.

Reminds me of trying to force a 4 year old to eat vegetables. You know its good for them, they know its good for them... but just don't want to do it. I'm not interested in dating a 4 year old.

First let me state, this is a common point laced within the pages of many relationship and advice books. We all know "communication is key" and as we grow into adulthood we begin to master the art of communicating through socialization. Are we suppose to believe that men are naturally retarded in that skill and we should not only accept that but learn to work around it? Wrong... Once again, Child's Play. I have dated many men who not only initiated conversations with "we need to talk" but also were more than happy to listen to me vent and vent to me as well!! That's what couples do! How else can we be informed and supportive?

Why are there so many books targeted towards women regarding how to bait and trap a man using methods that ultimately require her to treat him like an barbaric idiot or even a toddler? Despite all of those methods and rules the truth is he is a grown ass man and he will be with you if he wants to be with you and marry you when and if he wants to marry you. Certainly it is not necessarily that simple, however to be honest it is only as complicated as you allow it to be. As a previous post discussed to, when someone shows you who they are believe them...

Simple v. Complex... It is a gross generalization that men are simple and women are complex when it comes to relationships.... I disagree. I know men who are complex and many women who are simple. Nevertheless, I think authors would like for us to believe this as a way to excuse and accept the actions of no-good men. In fact, lets be real! Yeah some women may be complex, as a direct result of reading all these damn "advice" books giving them hypocritical messages... rules... instructions... that they swear are foolproof. Fail!

I don't think literature on how to figure out a man is as important as literature about How to love and respect yourself as a woman... How to prioritize and be comfortable with where you are in life... How to enjoy being by yourself whether single or in a relationship... How to create healthy boundaries that support your values and goals.

I would like to see that on the NY Times bestsellers list.