Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

We all know the nursery rhyme about good ol' Humpty Dumpty falling off of that wall, broke to pieces, and all of the man power available could not put him back together.

The rhyme never specifies that Humpty is an egg, but it makes sense that he would be- I mean, geesh, have you ever tried to put together a pieces of a broken egg? If you have ever been in a relationship where the trust was lost or "broken," then sure you have.

I believe it is a common fallacy, that trust can always be rebuilt, in many cases it can not. Love comes and goes because love is sturdy and with effort can be reignited. Trust however, much like an egg, is very fragile and when broken the parties involved need to prepared for three things;

1- Putting in the Work: It is a long and often strenuous process when rebuilding trust.

Typically, the lover at fault believes that an apology should suffice when often that isn't nearly enough. Because of the guilt they may feel the lover at fault may be reluctant to have the discussions and answer the questions needed to help the relationship move on. Unfortunately, they opt to place their comfort before the potential of the relationship.

When trust is broken and you want to try to continue with the relationship, one of the first things BOTH lovers must accept is that it is going to be a very difficult journey and they need to be open to communicating, learning, and forgiving.
In a previous post The Sweetest Revenge ,I discuss the difference between manipulation and whole hearted forgiveness... check that out when you get a chance.
To be honest, a couple doesn't want to have to constantly revisit such a dark time in their relationship, and feel comfortable with simply ignoring the issue, because they love and want the relationship but do not want to put in the work and effort to handle the malice that will haunt their potential, beware of this...

2-Love Changes: Acknowledging and accepting that though they have put it together most of the pieces it will never be the same again

When couples work very hard at regaining that trust and strengthening that bond it can be a very rewarding experience. These couples should understand that though they have worked hard at rebuilding the trust is will never be the same again.

Now, that can be a good and bad thing. I personally, believe that it can be very positive if both lovers are committed to accepting that change for the sake of the relationship. The changes that may occur, can range from interest in sex to amount of daily conversations.

During the process of rebuilding trust the lover may need time to deal with their new found insecurities and that alone can be a long, yet worthwhile, journey. And the lover at fault may be encouraged to be more affectionate than usual, more attentive than usual, cut out the activities that may have caused them to break that trust... All of these things are changes and affect the dynamics of the relationship.

So often a lover will confess they "just want things to be like they use to be" that's normal- just think back to when you were dating how fresh and tantalizing things were! However, it is very unrealistic, with the ups and downs a relationship is constantly shifting and evolving- some for better and some for worse.

Don't be afraid of the growth because not only are their lessons within that growth, but it will also help you decide if that relationship is where you need to be at this point in your life.

3-Couldn't put him back together again: Often the trust will not be rebuilt and you should consider re-evaluating the relationship.

Unfortunately, most trust issues are never resolved. I can list hundreds of reasons why, but the message is not necessarily in the reasons, but that if both parties are not willing to do what is necessary and put forth that grand effort (discussed in point #1) to salvage the relationship then it may be time to let it go... be it for now by taking a break, as I discuss in my post on How to Take a Break or for good.

If you or your partner feel you are fighting an uphill battle, are growing weary, and feel trying to rebuild the trust is driving a wedge between you two instead of pulling you together before you give up consider getting a third party involved. It may be easier to address the issues with a counselor who is impartial and simply wants you two to be healthy and happy whether you are together or apart.

If that isn't an option because you don't feel the relationship is that deep then do what you feel need to do, but don't beat yourself up thinking you have failed your relationship.

It is a very difficult time for a relationship when trust is broken and often such devastation require you to have some space to Reflect, Reevaluate, and Remedy.


Rain...Rain... Go Away...

One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months.

We been through every kind of rain there is.

Little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain.

Rain that flew in sideways.

And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. -Forest Gump

Rain and storms are going to come in life, and if you are not anchored you and the things you care for may be swept up in the turmoiltuous weather.

If you feel as though the clouds are turning grey and you can "smell" the rain coming (LOL you know how you can smell the rain in the air?!... maybe that's just a southern thing *shrug*) you are at an advantage because you can prepare for the worse, don't turn a blind eye to the signs because you are in denial or believe you do not have the "energy" to persevere through what is coming. Instead, lower your anchor, wherever and whatever it may be anchor yourself in what will keep you positive, steady, and motivated to get through it all.

Most of us don't see it coming, one moment it is beautiful and sunny and the next moment there are scattered thunder storms and tornado warnings. Panic sets in because we do not understand... everything seemed fine... where is all of this coming from? Confusion flutters our hearts and minds as we seek understanding...

Emotions ranging from Anger to Denial flood our minds that we fail to take time to set our anchor and are often swept away by storm.

When I feel that I am going through a storm, I get so caught up in trying to understand what has happened, and I am so overwhelmed by my emotions that i neglect what works for me and what has worked for me before. It seems like I become determined to "fix" the situation and I forget to protect myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. What I have learned is that I can only endure as much as i am prepared to endure. Sure the situation may get fixed... but what about the collateral damage?

Some people react differently from myself. There are those who go through storms and become stagnate. The allow the rain to soak them to the bone and they give in to the high winds, have you ever met someone who doesn't mind being cold and wet? Who would rather talk about how miserable, confused, and discourage they are, than make an effort to get through and move past their troubles? I do. And it is not they enjoy those moments, I believe those moments give them an excuse... An excuse as to why they don't want to be in a committed relationship... why they can't finish school... why they are in debt... excuse why they can not find a job... and excuse why they can't let go of destructive relationships... excuses for days. They may say: See, this is why_______ (fill in the blank), because nothing seems to work out for me and yadda yadda yadda...

The rains and storms of life are inevitable... how we overcome them makes all the difference.

They say, "Those who live in sunshine may have faith, but those of us who walk in the shadows (and storms) MUST have faith."

Think about those life moments when you felt the rain drowning you and the winds pushing you... Can you believe you got through it?!? Shouldn't that be proof enough that you will get through the next storm to come?

Who and/or what was your anchor?

And what about the aftermath... are you not stronger?


I thought we were over this...

I was listening to my favorite radio show during my commute home from work this week, and the topic was on inter-racial dating. I rolled my eyes thinking this is old news who is still stuck on this? and too my surprise a flood of callers all black females called in venting their rage about black men dating white women.

Two points came to mind that I would like to share;

1-Male or female, black or white or Hispanic or whatever... straight or gay, whoever you are, I personally feel is would be unfortunate for you to miss an opportunity to meet your soul mate because you refuse to date outside of your race/ethnicity.

I feel everyone can benefit from broadening their scope and going beyond their comfort zone to meet potential mates. I'm not saying it is easy but I am saying that it may actually be rewarding.

2-Chris Rock brought up this point in his stand up "Kill the Messenger" and I found it quite profound. He suggested that the only reason why black women get upset about black men dating white woman is because... y'all ready for this?

Black women are not as attracted to white men as black men are to white women.
So basically the "ratio" is not balanced and therefore unfair to black women, hence the root of their rage. Between gay men and white women black women may feel their chances are slim to none catching a black man...

I don't think that is necessarily true. There are plenty of attractive white men out there I would suggest the issue may be that white men may not be as attracted to black women.

I thought I would share this excerpt from a blog I read;

The more I woke up next to a white woman, I found my self attracted to the smell of their hair, their smoothly shaved legs, their french manicured toes, their porcelain like skin and their free spirit. The contrast of our skin is one of the most erotic things I can imagine.
I know plenty of beautiful black women, but I don’t find myself attracted to them in a romantic way. I can appreciate their beauty, but it’s not for me. Over the years, some have taken this as a insult. I take it as the ability to make a choice and to have a preference.

It is a pretty good blog you can find the rest of the post here where the blogger, Ethan, details why he prefers to date white women http://idatewhite.com/2008/09/30/why-white-women-2/

I am so over the interracial dating controversies I feel like they are so 1997ish... however a lot of communities still deal with the issue and interracial couples still are being harassed.

Do you feel like there are still extreme abstentions to interracial dating? What group of people do you think have the most issues with it? Don't you think we should be over it by now? Am I being too naive or optimistic...?