4.17.2009

Dealing with the “Homies”

Since I don’t really watch For the Love of Ray J it took me a considerable amount of time to get the joke, “Danger She Smashed the Homies…” But once I caught on my initial reaction was wow that sucks… but isn’t anything new.

Whether or not you have “smashed” his “homies” I believe dealing with the friends of the guy you are dating can be complicated at times. Here are ways to handle his friends and still come out on top:

Don’t smash them… This should go without saying, however I am taking time to address this issue because it’s a small world and many times social circles can overlap so you may have dated or hooked up with a friend of his and never suspected you would cross paths again. If this is the case handle it with a great deal of poise. Be cordial and when you have the first opportunity pull your guy aside and mention “hey just so you know I know Derrick from some months ago, it’s a small world huh?” Whether or not he asks for more information that’s on him, but by giving him that heads up he won’t be caught off guard if his friend approaches him about you.
Let them have their “guy time”… It’s a nice idea to be able to hang around with him and all of his friends like “one of the guys” but the truth is you are not. And believe it or not men value their alone time with their friends even if you are really cool and charming, give them that space.

Don’t seek their approval… Remember you are dating him not his buddies, so there is no need to overextend yourself in an attempt to seek their approval. If his friends like you that is great and if they don’t it is not the end of the world. Maybe in time they will come around and realize you’re not so bad, or maybe the truth is they don’t like any of his girlfriends because they are simply haters. It is not up to you to instigate the issue, you just focus on being a great girlfriend and being cordial to his friends. Remember you are his girlfriend not one of the guys. Just be yourself and enjoy your relationship.

His friends may not be very inclusive with you, or may not include you in the conversation and that doesn't mean they don't like you that is just how men operate. With that said don't force yourself into the conversation or become a chatterbox. Strike a balance running your mouth too much can come off as annoying and somewhat insincere... while remaining quiet makes you seem stuck up, so just go with the flow chime in when relevant, relax, and be you.

Don't embarrass him... Maybe lay off the pet names and avoid telling embarrassing stories. When you're chillin with a bunch of fun loving guys at times it is hard to gauge what is and is not appropriate, so just be safe and avoid anything that would make your boyfriend feel awkward or embarrassed.

Be respectful… Just because you are his girlfriend that doesn’t mean you can treat his friends like crap. Even if you do not like them instead of attacking them, simply limit the time you are around them. If your issue with them is very personal and affects how you feel about your guy spending time with them, then that is a conversation you should have with your boyfriend.
Birds of a feather flock together… This saying has proven to be very true. If you notice your guy’s friends are a bunch of womanizing players, don’t immediately pass judgment but do take it very seriously.
When you are dating someone you are in the process of getting to know them, and by meeting their friends there is another component about them that is being introduced, take it into as much consideration as you would if he told you he likes to have a lot of female friends or he wants to be married within the next 5 years.
Don’t make him choose… If you get into a situation where you are asking your man to choose between you and his friends, you are facing a losing battle. Even if he does give up his friends he is also giving up a part of himself that he will need in order to function in a healthy relationship. Whether or not you think his friends are a bad influence on him you have to realize that he is a man and can think for himself. If he’s being negatively influenced then it is result of his actions nobody else. So see it for what it is and instead of making HIM choose perhaps you need to be the one deciding if you will stay or go.
Speak up and act out… One thing I can not stand is when a guy allows his friends to disrespect his girlfriend. Whether or not it is in jest, it is still inappropriate and is not something you should willingly sweep under the rug. How he perceives you and how his friends perceive you is all in your control. You may not be a prude but you still don’t play like that or think that joke was funny or even felt those actions were personally offensive. Don’t be afraid to speak up about it, if you don’t who will? And they will either respect your for that or not, but I can assure you they will think twice about doing it again. Also, confronting it doesn’t have to be like a bad episode of Maury, you can simply say “I know y’all are kidding, but I don’t really play about stuff like that, so we coo?”
And consider the fact that your boyfriend may or may not know that you are offended so be sure to point it out to him so you two are on the same page. Granted if he knows that you are being disrespected or offended and he’s allowing it… you are dating a jackass and should be preparing for immediate departure. If his friends are hitting on you or flirting you need to check his friend and give your guy a heads up... If you can't tell whether or not they are flirting- just to be safe intentionally distance yourself from that particular friend.
For some you and your bf's social circles may directly overlap and if that is the case, you are at a great advantage. However, one issue you may encounter is spending too much time with one another so don't be afraid to leave the guys at home and have a girls night out... Yea I know its a lot more fun when the guys are around, but this is a healthy habit you should develop because you do not want to feel smothered in your relationship.
Another issue you two may face if you run with the same group of friends is everyone being in your business, you two may not last forever so when things are rocky try not to vent to the friends, cussing him, and making them choose sides, this will put you and your friends in a very awkward situation especially after the dust settles.


How do you deal with his friends? Any luck in that department? Any especially awkward situations? and how did you handle it?

1 comment:

(fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik] said...

Thankfully I've never had a problem with the friends of any guy I was dating. What's even funnier is that I stayed friends with them even after the 'ex' was gone.I think all men need time with their friends, and the same goes for women. I never want to be referred to as a space invader.