3.06.2009

Why are you frontin’ like you actually have “high standards”?


Okay I’m going to break my silence about this Rihanna situation only to make a point. Everybody has something to say about Rihanna, her situation and her decisions. I think we all can agree that it is an ugly situation, and we all can agree that we would never want to be in her position as a woman or lover, but what you may not realize is that you could be well on your way.


Ranting about how you would never do this, never accept that, never be in this or that situation, means nothing if you do not have self love and one way to develop that self love when dealing with relationships is by setting boundaries.


You could spend all night making a list of the characteristics your “dream” man must have; nice smile, funny, smart, at least 6’1”, church going… etc. Mentally you filter these men out as they approach you, shutting them down immediately if they don’t meet the requirements. But what happens when you do meet that ideal man? Where are the lists? How firm are your standards? Have you set boundaries?


As a human, people teach you how to interact with them based on what you allow and do not allow for them to do during encounters. Let me break this down… You learn how to treat a person when they show you what is acceptable and what is not acceptable when interacting with them. When a man is treating you wrong, and continues to treat you wrong it is your fault if you have not taken the steps to set the boundaries.


A boundary-less relationship is one that leaves you used, abused, and filled with resentment. A boundary-less relationship is one that involves a long term relationship with man who refuses to commit. A boundary-less relationship is one that progresses at the convenience of him and not you.


You create boundaries by determining what you want and would like to gain from the relationship. You create your boundaries BEFORE you enter a relationship… the boundaries should be the same across the board for all of your (potential) relationships, why? This is because boundaries are based on your values.


Having boundaries is not entirely about being able to walk away from a destructive relationship, but is about being able to negate the behaviors and tendencies that create a destructive behavior. Boundaries are about learning to say “No” without saying it, because we all know words mean nothing and actions are everything.


Some women fear boundaries because they think its creating a “No Pass Zone” in their relationship, essentially restricting the potential of their encounter and discouraging the guy from pursuing them further. Boundaries help build healthy relationships and filter out the bad ones, why would it hurt to set standards in a relationship while you have so many standards for men who are pursuing you outside of a relationship? Best believe he has some boundaries...!


It is a bit irritating when women want to nick pick the single men who are pursuing them aligning them with these superficial standards, then when they surpass preliminaries they allow them to run all over them, or they don’t enforce healthy boundaries.


The things you let him get away with he is going to continue to try to get away with. Forgiveness is a personal trait that is more for your well-being and sanity then it is for the future of the relationship. You can forgive him, while recognizing he has violated a boundary and enforce repercussions- enforce with your actions not with your mouthpiece.


Be real with yourself! If he has done something and it has you saying, “that is not okay,” he has crossed a boundary!



Thoughts?

Do you have some examples of the type of boundaries you set in relationships?

1 comment:

(fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik] said...

You are so right about boundaries! Another thing, a lot of women forget to reinforce these boundaries and practice themselves.