Mama Always Said…

If you look you will find...

For the longest time I had the wrong interpretation of this phrase, perhaps because it was often delivered as a scolding reaction by a no good boyfriend after I caught him cheating. I would always rebut this phrase by saying, "well if you didn't have anything to hide then I wouldn't find anything!" I thought the phrase was suggesting that catching your significant other cheating was inevitable so, "if you look you will find" that the awful truth is all men are dogs.

I thought this would be the perfect Mama Always Said… saying for the theme of Sabotaging Relationships, because when I began to understand the meaning of this expression I realized not only how true it was, but how often we were all guilty of it.

If you look you will find whatever it is you are looking for, why? Because if you are truly and whole heartedly seeking something, nothing will stop you from discovering that "something." This can be inspirational for someone seeking career advancement, academic achievements, or self-fulfillment however, this can be destructive for someone seeking validity in a relationship.

If you are dating a man and you feel he is cheating, so you seek to prove that and ultimately you find that he is cheating. Are you really shocked?

Even if someone is not cheating on you or hiding anything from you, your unnerving drive to validate your insecurities will find truth in anything that seems ambiguous. You will find doubt in any explanation that he gives. You will not be at peace unless you prove that he is no good, you are willing to take that one little ounce of doubt and pursue it, amplify it, instigate it, injecting a noxious poison into your relationship eventually pushing your significant other away and ending the relationship. And when you two break up you will rationalize, "he was a dog anyway."

If you look you will find, because for one you already know Who and What he is, and if he is no good you know what the fate is… so what you are looking for is right under your nose, so save the O-M-G face and be real with yourself from the start.

If you look you will find, because secondly, if you are not ready for a healthy relationship (by taking time to deal with your insecurities, trust issues, self esteem, and baggage) you are going to have an unhealthy relationship no matter how you flip it.

If you look you will find, finally because if you have your mind set on believing that all men are no good and will eventually butcher your heart, then all men you date will not be good enough and any imperfection he reveals will butcher your heart.

By no means am I implying that you should not look out and pick up on the signs of a no good significant other, but what I am saying is that by amplifying and instigating every seed of doubt that enters your mind may be a sign that you have some personal issues you need to resolve.

I do think at times insecurity can drive you to believe something you have yet to witness, the fear becomes overwhelming and the only way to have any peace of mind is to prove that your fear is valid. Some women call it intuition… I don't know about all of that… but it is clear that this state of mind is unhealthy.

I think this expression is still very much so Golden, my new found interpretation may not be very popular, however from experience it holds to be very true.

Do you have a different interpretation? Thoughts?


Triniways said...

I could easily argue both sides of the fence. Intuition is a powerful gift.. sometime we know that we know and need a just need a little proof. (It ain't insecurity -- it is what it is.) On the other hand being overly fearful can lead one done the wrong path. Each person must persuaded in his/her own mind.

Certified Diva aka Chivonne said...

I agree that intuition for both women and men is an important practice. However, I want to stress the difference between intuition and obsession, if your "spidey senses are tingling" then explore that emotion and let it be that. You don't have to go on a mission to prove anything that you yourself is (obviously) already convinced is fact... I mean if you weren't already convinced you wouldn't look right?
"A little proof" could snowball into "a little more proof" and "catch him red handed" and on and on... which is something you truly do not need to subject yourself to. While you are wasting your time trying to "prove" something you ALREADY know, you could be missing your blessings... Take the "L" and move on.