I thought we were over this...

I was listening to my favorite radio show during my commute home from work this week, and the topic was on inter-racial dating. I rolled my eyes thinking this is old news who is still stuck on this? and too my surprise a flood of callers all black females called in venting their rage about black men dating white women.



Two points came to mind that I would like to share;



1-Male or female, black or white or Hispanic or whatever... straight or gay, whoever you are, I personally feel is would be unfortunate for you to miss an opportunity to meet your soul mate because you refuse to date outside of your race/ethnicity.


I feel everyone can benefit from broadening their scope and going beyond their comfort zone to meet potential mates. I'm not saying it is easy but I am saying that it may actually be rewarding.

2-Chris Rock brought up this point in his stand up "Kill the Messenger" and I found it quite profound. He suggested that the only reason why black women get upset about black men dating white woman is because... y'all ready for this?

Black women are not as attracted to white men as black men are to white women.
So basically the "ratio" is not balanced and therefore unfair to black women, hence the root of their rage. Between gay men and white women black women may feel their chances are slim to none catching a black man...

I don't think that is necessarily true. There are plenty of attractive white men out there I would suggest the issue may be that white men may not be as attracted to black women.

I thought I would share this excerpt from a blog I read;

The more I woke up next to a white woman, I found my self attracted to the smell of their hair, their smoothly shaved legs, their french manicured toes, their porcelain like skin and their free spirit. The contrast of our skin is one of the most erotic things I can imagine.
I know plenty of beautiful black women, but I don’t find myself attracted to them in a romantic way. I can appreciate their beauty, but it’s not for me. Over the years, some have taken this as a insult. I take it as the ability to make a choice and to have a preference.


It is a pretty good blog you can find the rest of the post here where the blogger, Ethan, details why he prefers to date white women http://idatewhite.com/2008/09/30/why-white-women-2/


I am so over the interracial dating controversies I feel like they are so 1997ish... however a lot of communities still deal with the issue and interracial couples still are being harassed.


Do you feel like there are still extreme abstentions to interracial dating? What group of people do you think have the most issues with it? Don't you think we should be over it by now? Am I being too naive or optimistic...?

Dealing with the “Homies”

Since I don’t really watch For the Love of Ray J it took me a considerable amount of time to get the joke, “Danger She Smashed the Homies…” But once I caught on my initial reaction was wow that sucks… but isn’t anything new.

Whether or not you have “smashed” his “homies” I believe dealing with the friends of the guy you are dating can be complicated at times. Here are ways to handle his friends and still come out on top:

Don’t smash them… This should go without saying, however I am taking time to address this issue because it’s a small world and many times social circles can overlap so you may have dated or hooked up with a friend of his and never suspected you would cross paths again. If this is the case handle it with a great deal of poise. Be cordial and when you have the first opportunity pull your guy aside and mention “hey just so you know I know Derrick from some months ago, it’s a small world huh?” Whether or not he asks for more information that’s on him, but by giving him that heads up he won’t be caught off guard if his friend approaches him about you.

Let them have their “guy time”… It’s a nice idea to be able to hang around with him and all of his friends like “one of the guys” but the truth is you are not. And believe it or not men value their alone time with their friends even if you are really cool and charming, give them that space.

Don’t seek their approval… Remember you are dating him not his buddies, so there is no need to overextend yourself in an attempt to seek their approval. If his friends like you that is great and if they don’t it is not the end of the world. Maybe in time they will come around and realize you’re not so bad, or maybe the truth is they don’t like any of his girlfriends because they are simply haters. It is not up to you to instigate the issue, you just focus on being a great girlfriend and being cordial to his friends. Remember you are his girlfriend not one of the guys. Just be yourself and enjoy your relationship.

His friends may not be very inclusive with you, or may not include you in the conversation and that doesn't mean they don't like you that is just how men operate. With that said don't force yourself into the conversation or become a chatterbox. Strike a balance running your mouth too much can come off as annoying and somewhat insincere... while remaining quiet makes you seem stuck up, so just go with the flow chime in when relevant, relax, and be you.

Don't embarrass him... Maybe lay off the pet names and avoid telling embarrassing stories. When you're chillin with a bunch of fun loving guys at times it is hard to gauge what is and is not appropriate, so just be safe and avoid anything that would make your boyfriend feel awkward or embarrassed.

Be respectful… Just because you are his girlfriend that doesn’t mean you can treat his friends like crap. Even if you do not like them instead of attacking them, simply limit the time you are around them. If your issue with them is very personal and affects how you feel about your guy spending time with them, then that is a conversation you should have with your boyfriend.

Birds of a feather flock together… This saying has proven to be very true. If you notice your guy’s friends are a bunch of womanizing players, don’t immediately pass judgment but do take it very seriously.

When you are dating someone you are in the process of getting to know them, and by meeting their friends there is another component about them that is being introduced, take it into as much consideration as you would if he told you he likes to have a lot of female friends or he wants to be married within the next 5 years.

Don’t make him choose… If you get into a situation where you are asking your man to choose between you and his friends, you are facing a losing battle. Even if he does give up his friends he is also giving up a part of himself that he will need in order to function in a healthy relationship. Whether or not you think his friends are a bad influence on him you have to realize that he is a man and can think for himself. If he’s being negatively influenced then it is result of his actions nobody else. So see it for what it is and instead of making HIM choose perhaps you need to be the one deciding if you will stay or go.

Speak up and act out… One thing I can not stand is when a guy allows his friends to disrespect his girlfriend. Whether or not it is in jest, it is still inappropriate and is not something you should willingly sweep under the rug. How he perceives you and how his friends perceive you is all in your control. You may not be a prude but you still don’t play like that or think that joke was funny or even felt those actions were personally offensive. Don’t be afraid to speak up about it, if you don’t who will? And they will either respect your for that or not, but I can assure you they will think twice about doing it again. Also, confronting it doesn’t have to be like a bad episode of Maury, you can simply say “I know y’all are kidding, but I don’t really play about stuff like that, so we coo?”

And consider the fact that your boyfriend may or may not know that you are offended so be sure to point it out to him so you two are on the same page. Granted if he knows that you are being disrespected or offended and he’s allowing it… you are dating a jackass and should be preparing for immediate departure. If his friends are hitting on you or flirting you need to check his friend and give your guy a heads up... If you can't tell whether or not they are flirting- just to be safe intentionally distance yourself from that particular friend.

For some you and your bf's social circles may directly overlap and if that is the case, you are at a great advantage. However, one issue you may encounter is spending too much time with one another so don't be afraid to leave the guys at home and have a girls night out... Yea I know its a lot more fun when the guys are around, but this is a healthy habit you should develop because you do not want to feel smothered in your relationship.

Another issue you two may face if you run with the same group of friends is everyone being in your business, you two may not last forever so when things are rocky try not to vent to the friends, cussing him, and making them choose sides, this will put you and your friends in a very awkward situation especially after the dust settles.

How do you deal with his friends? Any luck in that department? Any especially awkward situations? and how did you handle it?

Act like a Lady, Treat Him like a Man

On the heels of the Steve Harvey "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" foolery, I thought it would be necessary to address the unnerving necessity to treat men like they are children.
Why do we have to follow ridiculous rules and round-a-bout antics just to get a man to act right?

He is not a child, therefore we should be encouraging him to be more accountable not making excuse for his behavior. I don't believe I should have to shelve my physical desires in order to have a healthy relationship (Harvey's 90 day rule). Why can't we have sex and still be vibing afterwards? Do I want to be with a man who would act any differently?

No. And I don't believe that is a personal view, I feel most women share that sentiment. Women want to be open to be who they are and display their true personality without worrying about breaking a rule, or failing to teach the man a lesson. It seems these books want to teach us to suppress out natural desires and instincts in order to accommodate his... That makes no sense to me.



Why can't we just be who we are as women and treat him as a man... an adult male?

Anything else is child's play!

Here is an example from Harvey's Book:

"We need to talk."For a man, few words are as menacing as those four—especially when a woman is the one saying them and he's on the receiving end. Those four words can mean only two things to men: either we did something wrong or, worse, you really literally just want to talk.

Reminds me of trying to force a 4 year old to eat vegetables. You know its good for them, they know its good for them... but just don't want to do it. I'm not interested in dating a 4 year old.

First let me state, this is a common point laced within the pages of many relationship and advice books. We all know "communication is key" and as we grow into adulthood we begin to master the art of communicating through socialization. Are we suppose to believe that men are naturally retarded in that skill and we should not only accept that but learn to work around it? Wrong... Once again, Child's Play. I have dated many men who not only initiated conversations with "we need to talk" but also were more than happy to listen to me vent and vent to me as well!! That's what couples do! How else can we be informed and supportive?



Why are there so many books targeted towards women regarding how to bait and trap a man using methods that ultimately require her to treat him like an barbaric idiot or even a toddler? Despite all of those methods and rules the truth is he is a grown ass man and he will be with you if he wants to be with you and marry you when and if he wants to marry you. Certainly it is not necessarily that simple, however to be honest it is only as complicated as you allow it to be. As a previous post discussed to, when someone shows you who they are believe them...



Simple v. Complex... It is a gross generalization that men are simple and women are complex when it comes to relationships.... I disagree. I know men who are complex and many women who are simple. Nevertheless, I think authors would like for us to believe this as a way to excuse and accept the actions of no-good men. In fact, lets be real! Yeah some women may be complex, as a direct result of reading all these damn "advice" books giving them hypocritical messages... rules... instructions... that they swear are foolproof. Fail!



I don't think literature on how to figure out a man is as important as literature about How to love and respect yourself as a woman... How to prioritize and be comfortable with where you are in life... How to enjoy being by yourself whether single or in a relationship... How to create healthy boundaries that support your values and goals.



I would like to see that on the NY Times bestsellers list.



Thoughts?

Easy to Give... Hard to Take: Advice & the Modern Woman

Giving and Taking Advice

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. -Erica Jong
Often we seek advice because we need someone to give us the cold hard truth that we would prefer to avoid. I can attest to receiving advice while mumbling I know... I know...because I DO KNOW but I wish I did not, yet I am grateful to have a loved one who is willing to advise me anyway.

"Do-so" is more important than "say-so." -Pete Seeger
Much like the phrase "Practice what you preach."As we dish out advice we should pause and ask ourselves are willing to take this same advice and have we done so? When receiving advice, note if the person is walking the walk or just talking the talk. I'm sure they mean well but it makes a difference when weighing the impact of the advice if the person isn't taking it themselves.

In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend -Solon
We have some friends who don't mind telling you what they think you want to hear... then there are those who will be straight up and tell you the real deal. Sincere advice should not destroy a friendship so don't be afraid to share your real thoughts. If you have friends who constantly seek to please you and not push you... then how can you grow?

Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night -P.K. Dick
I'm no stranger to 4am calls and neither are any of my friends! I think whenever an issue is consuming your thoughts and emotions you need to take time to talk it out... but 4am is not a time to solve issues. Dawn brings new light both to the world and to your mind and heart, take that time to really think and reflect not to react in haste.

Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble -Sidney J Harris
I believe it is important that the advice isn't mere speculation, some issues people just will not understand because they have not been there, and as a person giving advice you should tread carefully if you have never ventured in that territory. The same with receiving advice, it is great to listen to a voice of reason but always consider the source and their experience. It doesn't make it any less valuable but it may not be easy to take the advice.

Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties -Aesop
A lot of people have their own shit going on and you just can't blindly take their advice. It may sound good, but that may because they are not only telling you what you want to hear, but also what they want to hear. And if asked for advice while going through personal difficulties do your friend a favor and admit that you may not be in the best place right now to advise on that issue but you are here to listen.

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. -Josh Billings
Everyone is quick to give advice, maybe because it feels great to be asked for it... maybe because we are happy to share the lessons we have learned or maybe we think we are far wiser than what we are. Nevertheless sharing is the easy part, but taking advice is a challenge. Some people seek the advice of several people before coming to terms with a resolution, and that is because often we don't hear what we want to hear or how we want to hear it and the repetition of the message will slowly began to sink in no matter how it is told.... Hence the next point...

Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into, the mind. -S.T. Cooleridge
When giving advice consider your deliverance, it makes a difference. I know I can be pretty uhm... cold when dishing advice and I am learning that deliverance can make all the difference. Giving the fact that advice is so difficult to take, if you going to give it to em give it to em nice and easy... but not in order to please, but in order to effectively get your point across.

Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them... -Me
Just because you're friend calls you in tears, baffled with many unanswered questions doesn't mean it is time for you to lay it on her. Just listen, as the first point makes they may already know the answer but need someone to listen to them think it through. At times they may ask for advice but allow your instincts and your knowledge of that person determine if they really just want you to listen. Its okay to take heed and realize your words of advice is not always needed but your listening ear would certainly do!

Shhhh…. Silencing the Hater within You

We are all Haters, it's only natural for us to have a little Hater within us. What distinguishes obvious haters from seemingly non-haters is the ability to silence the hater within.

Hating come as natural as breathing for many, for others it sort of creeps up on them and slips out in a few words or a text message. Nobody wants to be a hater so here are some tips on how to silence the hater within you:

• If you feel the urge to hate on someones success or achievement, pause and ask yourself "how can this motivate me?" while you're answering that question the hater within you has retreated into a dark corner. Asking yourself that question delivers your from hateration because you decided to put a positive spin on your initial emotions.
  
• When you see a female who looks pretty good and you can tell the she thinks that she looks damn good, so she's acting real stank like she shits roses... Your first reaction may be to comment on her repulsive air of confidence and narcissism, but no silence the hater within you by acting like you know you look good. Allow the confidence to be contagious… But do one better and pair your confidence with grace and class.
  
• Don't you hate it when you see a goooood looking man with an aiiight looking female, and when she catches you staring at them, you get buck like, "bytch don't nobody want you man!" –PAUSE— While you are staring over there all in her business, you may be overlooking the man for you... FOCUS... he could be passing you by!

Sometimes we're haters and we don't realize we are hating so here are a few ways to tell that you are hating:

• You find yourself searching for something to negatively criticize about a person... That's Hate
• You dislike this person but don't have a real reason why, you just don't like them... That's Hate
• Instead of congratulating you directly or indirectly opt to make a comment about something in order to undermine their achievement or the moment... That's Hate
• You are happy when some people are sad or miserable... That's Hate
• When someone is breaking out and doing something different you are critical and/or deliberately limit your support, because you wish you would have thought of it first... That's Hate
• You are stingy as hell with compliments... That's Hate!
  

So when you begin to feel yourself hating; First Accept it because its normal, Second silence it because its unnecessary, and Third confront it because if you don't it will keep coming back.

Just like we are all Sinners we are all Haters... So Save Yourself!

Refuse to accept your hate? Disagree? or Did I miss anything? Let me know leave a comment!

Lied to you

Stood you up

Bad mouthing you

Two-faced/ Cheating

Taking advantage of you

In varying degrees women have managed to forgive men who have committed these offenses, after an apology and a good cussin' out women feel confident that now he knows better. How many of us have had girlfriends/ home girls/ friends who have done the exact same thing? How many of us can say they are still friends with them?

I believe there is a double standard when it comes to how we approach forgiveness in our relationships. It is so easy for women to tear down one another and end friendships after feeling betrayed or hurt, yet we are encouraged to forgive a man when he does the same thing.

Do we value our male relationships more than our female relationships? Do females treat their male friends far better than they treat their female friends for no other apparent reason other than gender? Even if the friendship is platonic, what makes their apology much more sincere than hers? What makes his actions much less offensive then hers?

Believe me, men have no problem putting bros before hoes, they clearly value their male relationships and keep their female relationships on their appropriate rung. Why can't we females share this type of solidarity? Am I wrong to expect that of my female friends?

Thoughts? Can anyone help explain this phenomena?

What Makes Him Tick… Makes You Sick!

At the beginning of relationships you are all "souped up" in the Butterfly Stage. You get butterflies when he calls you, you get butterflies when you see him you get butterflies when someone mentions his name. You are feeling him, his swag, the way he talks, the way he smells, you two are vibing about music preferences, watching Law & Order SVU together its just perfect.

But soon after some months, the little things you didn't notice before become most apparent, the way he chews, how he follows every sentence with "knaw wat I'm sayin?"… Or maybe the fact that he's been playing that same CD in the car since you two met and you are really getting sick of hearing Lil Wayne, or how he grunts and flex his biceps like a primitive beast after he orgasms. Now those butterflies have morphed into those annoying ass knags that tickle your ears and get caught in your eyelashes and shit (Ughhh I hate those!), when you reach this point in the relationship it can make or break a couple. That's because it goes both ways, there are little things you do that irritates the hell out of him as well!

Wise people always advise that you do not sweat the "small stuff," but where do you draw the line? I think it is so interesting how after the Butterfly Stage couples kind of just fall off their game, ladies and fellas both begin to get comfortable and stop doing the things that got them this far. I wonder what motivates this change? After the Butterfly Stage, is that when people begin to take their masks off and say, "Aha! Now that I got (fucked) you this is who I am! And you're going to stay because I may be committed to you just enough to keep you intrigued!" or maybe not.

Honestly, this is exactly why I am not a fan of throwing the "L" word around. It is easy to think you are falling in love while in the Butterfly Stage because everything seems so perfect and so "right." Yeah… right! Wait until those initial feelings kind of subside before declaring your love for him, because you never know; what makes him tick, surely may make you sick! And there is not anything wrong with that, that's why you get to know one another to see how you two vibe…

Pump the brakes be patient and really be committed to getting to know him for who he is, not who you want him to be, who he MAY be a year from now, or who he was back in High School, but who he is N-O-W and who knows What makes him tick, may make you TOCK!

What was one of the most annoying habits you learned about a person you dated that literally made you pause and give them the screw face like WTF?!?

I will go first so check the comments section!

Why are you frontin’ like you actually have “high standards”?

Okay I’m going to break my silence about this Rihanna situation only to make a point. Everybody has something to say about Rihanna, her situation and her decisions. I think we all can agree that it is an ugly situation, and we all can agree that we would never want to be in her position as a woman or lover, but what you may not realize is that you could be well on your way.

Ranting about how you would never do this, never accept that, never be in this or that situation, means nothing if you do not have self love and one way to develop that self love when dealing with relationships is by setting boundaries.

You could spend all night making a list of the characteristics your “dream” man must have; nice smile, funny, smart, at least 6’1”, church going… etc. Mentally you filter these men out as they approach you, shutting them down immediately if they don’t meet the requirements. But what happens when you do meet that ideal man? Where are the lists? How firm are your standards? Have you set boundaries?

As a human, people teach you how to interact with them based on what you allow and do not allow for them to do during encounters. Let me break this down… You learn how to treat a person when they show you what is acceptable and what is not acceptable when interacting with them. When a man is treating you wrong, and continues to treat you wrong it is your fault if you have not taken the steps to set the boundaries.

A boundary-less relationship is one that leaves you used, abused, and filled with resentment. A boundary-less relationship is one that involves a long term relationship with man who refuses to commit. A boundary-less relationship is one that progresses at the convenience of him and not you.

You create boundaries by determining what you want and would like to gain from the relationship. You create your boundaries BEFORE you enter a relationship… the boundaries should be the same across the board for all of your (potential) relationships, why? This is because boundaries are based on your values.

Having boundaries is not entirely about being able to walk away from a destructive relationship, but is about being able to negate the behaviors and tendencies that create a destructive behavior. Boundaries are about learning to say “No” without saying it, because we all know words mean nothing and actions are everything.

Some women fear boundaries because they think its creating a “No Pass Zone” in their relationship, essentially restricting the potential of their encounter and discouraging the guy from pursuing them further. Boundaries help build healthy relationships and filter out the bad ones, why would it hurt to set standards in a relationship while you have so many standards for men who are pursuing you outside of a relationship? Best believe he has some boundaries...!

It is a bit irritating when women want to nick pick the single men who are pursuing them aligning them with these superficial standards, then when they surpass preliminaries they allow them to run all over them, or they don’t enforce healthy boundaries.

The things you let him get away with he is going to continue to try to get away with. Forgiveness is a personal trait that is more for your well-being and sanity then it is for the future of the relationship. You can forgive him, while recognizing he has violated a boundary and enforce repercussions- enforce with your actions not with your mouthpiece.

Be real with yourself! If he has done something and it has you saying, “that is not okay,” he has crossed a boundary!

Thoughts?

Do you have some examples of the type of boundaries you set in relationships?

Chriannagate and Why We Care

Special Guest Post by ConsciousYung1

Each day I log onto my blogs to get my daily celebrity gossip and recently my heart has been saddened by the string of events surrounding these two rising pop stars. No need to give a synopsis of the situation, At this point everyone with a pulse can tell you. Chris Brown basically said to RihRih- “Let me slap you down”. He sent her to “Rehab”. She was singing “S.O.S.” He bashed her head against the window and subsequently left her bloodied and bruised in his Lamborghini.

No surprise she took him back.

My question is what does this all mean? What does her willingness to re-enter into this volatile situation symbolize not just about Rihanna but about Black women and domestic violence in general? Chriannagate could be Shaquronnegate. Everyday, Black and Brown women are mentally and physically abused by their spouses and refuse to report the pain they suffer.

Why?

Money: There is often a financial incentive to stay. When a man can financially isolate a woman and she is dependent upon him for her stability she is more likely to stay. She may need his money to maintain a certain lifestyle ( if she is wealthy) or just to survive ( if she is low-income).

Manipulation: Often the abuser will say hyperbolic statements like “I will kill myself if you leave me”

When the victim returns, there is calm for a while. But trust and believe, something, really anything, will set the abuser off again and there you are looking like this....

As for Rihanna.... does this mean she can never sing “ Take a bow” again? I guess not.We don’t believe you-- you need more people!

Please if you or someone you know is being abused by his/her spouse/partner .... get help today. http://www.ndvh.org/

Homewrecker...

Her name is Ashley Madison, and she is helping destroying marriages across the nation (or world!). I hesitated to do this post because I didn’t want to draw anymore attention to the despicable Ashley but I think we all should be aware.

AshleyMadison is a website for married people to join and discretely find other people to engage in an affair. Their motto is “Life’s short. Have an affair”… What the hell! And the site is actually quite popular despite having steep membership fees but people will pay for anything nowadays, especially sex.

"Infidelity is a fact of life and we do not judge the many reasons why people sign up for their free Ashley Madison membership," said Biderman. "Services like Ashley Madison did not invent the behavior of infidelity. Instead, www.AshleyMadison.com provides a safe and successful platform for those individuals who've decided to proceed down this path. “

I believe if a person wants to cheat they will cheat. Through AshleyMadison, Craigslist Personal Ads, other social networks, willing people… whatever, however, whenever… whoever. Nevertheless, it angers me that there is a social network that encourages such behaviors. I don’t think anger is the word…

Was AshleyMadison.com inevitable? Or did it already exists in other forms? Thoughts?

Now you KNOW...

I can not stress enough the importance of safe sex, STD's are real and some you have to live with for the rest of your life. Not only is it important to use condoms but if you may not have been using protection the next steps are to get tested, tell your partner(s), and get treated.

I just read about this site called www.inSPOT.org that allows people to anonymously send an e-card notifying their partner or any person they have hooked up with that they may have a STD and they should get tested.

I think this is a great site, a blogger had mentioned that they thought it was inhumane and further taken the human interaction out of sex... I couldn't disagree more! I know married couples who shy away from talking about sex with one another so it is no surprise that people involved in a random hook up would not even bother to have a discussion let alone deal with the embarrassing and possibly socially devastating issue of STD's.

The service is completely anonymous they send a E-card like the few below along with information on local testing sites:

I don't care if they send it by pidgeon or morse code I would want to know if there is a possiblity I have contracted an STD so KUDOS to inSPOT.org for creating this site! Ladies, don't be a fool, Knowledge is Power.

For more information visit www.inspot.org