I thought we were over this...

I was listening to my favorite radio show during my commute home from work this week, and the topic was on inter-racial dating. I rolled my eyes thinking this is old news who is still stuck on this? and too my surprise a flood of callers all black females called in venting their rage about black men dating white women.



Two points came to mind that I would like to share;



1-Male or female, black or white or Hispanic or whatever... straight or gay, whoever you are, I personally feel is would be unfortunate for you to miss an opportunity to meet your soul mate because you refuse to date outside of your race/ethnicity.


I feel everyone can benefit from broadening their scope and going beyond their comfort zone to meet potential mates. I'm not saying it is easy but I am saying that it may actually be rewarding.

2-Chris Rock brought up this point in his stand up "Kill the Messenger" and I found it quite profound. He suggested that the only reason why black women get upset about black men dating white woman is because... y'all ready for this?

Black women are not as attracted to white men as black men are to white women.
So basically the "ratio" is not balanced and therefore unfair to black women, hence the root of their rage. Between gay men and white women black women may feel their chances are slim to none catching a black man...

I don't think that is necessarily true. There are plenty of attractive white men out there I would suggest the issue may be that white men may not be as attracted to black women.

I thought I would share this excerpt from a blog I read;

The more I woke up next to a white woman, I found my self attracted to the smell of their hair, their smoothly shaved legs, their french manicured toes, their porcelain like skin and their free spirit. The contrast of our skin is one of the most erotic things I can imagine.
I know plenty of beautiful black women, but I don’t find myself attracted to them in a romantic way. I can appreciate their beauty, but it’s not for me. Over the years, some have taken this as a insult. I take it as the ability to make a choice and to have a preference.


It is a pretty good blog you can find the rest of the post here where the blogger, Ethan, details why he prefers to date white women http://idatewhite.com/2008/09/30/why-white-women-2/


I am so over the interracial dating controversies I feel like they are so 1997ish... however a lot of communities still deal with the issue and interracial couples still are being harassed.


Do you feel like there are still extreme abstentions to interracial dating? What group of people do you think have the most issues with it? Don't you think we should be over it by now? Am I being too naive or optimistic...?

Act like a Lady, Treat Him like a Man

On the heels of the Steve Harvey "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" foolery, I thought it would be necessary to address the unnerving necessity to treat men like they are children.
Why do we have to follow ridiculous rules and round-a-bout antics just to get a man to act right?

He is not a child, therefore we should be encouraging him to be more accountable not making excuse for his behavior. I don't believe I should have to shelve my physical desires in order to have a healthy relationship (Harvey's 90 day rule). Why can't we have sex and still be vibing afterwards? Do I want to be with a man who would act any differently?

No. And I don't believe that is a personal view, I feel most women share that sentiment. Women want to be open to be who they are and display their true personality without worrying about breaking a rule, or failing to teach the man a lesson. It seems these books want to teach us to suppress out natural desires and instincts in order to accommodate his... That makes no sense to me.



Why can't we just be who we are as women and treat him as a man... an adult male?

Anything else is child's play!

Here is an example from Harvey's Book:

"We need to talk."For a man, few words are as menacing as those four—especially when a woman is the one saying them and he's on the receiving end. Those four words can mean only two things to men: either we did something wrong or, worse, you really literally just want to talk.

Reminds me of trying to force a 4 year old to eat vegetables. You know its good for them, they know its good for them... but just don't want to do it. I'm not interested in dating a 4 year old.

First let me state, this is a common point laced within the pages of many relationship and advice books. We all know "communication is key" and as we grow into adulthood we begin to master the art of communicating through socialization. Are we suppose to believe that men are naturally retarded in that skill and we should not only accept that but learn to work around it? Wrong... Once again, Child's Play. I have dated many men who not only initiated conversations with "we need to talk" but also were more than happy to listen to me vent and vent to me as well!! That's what couples do! How else can we be informed and supportive?



Why are there so many books targeted towards women regarding how to bait and trap a man using methods that ultimately require her to treat him like an barbaric idiot or even a toddler? Despite all of those methods and rules the truth is he is a grown ass man and he will be with you if he wants to be with you and marry you when and if he wants to marry you. Certainly it is not necessarily that simple, however to be honest it is only as complicated as you allow it to be. As a previous post discussed to, when someone shows you who they are believe them...



Simple v. Complex... It is a gross generalization that men are simple and women are complex when it comes to relationships.... I disagree. I know men who are complex and many women who are simple. Nevertheless, I think authors would like for us to believe this as a way to excuse and accept the actions of no-good men. In fact, lets be real! Yeah some women may be complex, as a direct result of reading all these damn "advice" books giving them hypocritical messages... rules... instructions... that they swear are foolproof. Fail!



I don't think literature on how to figure out a man is as important as literature about How to love and respect yourself as a woman... How to prioritize and be comfortable with where you are in life... How to enjoy being by yourself whether single or in a relationship... How to create healthy boundaries that support your values and goals.



I would like to see that on the NY Times bestsellers list.



Thoughts?

The Art of Revealing: His Intentions

This post will address the art of revealing his intentions, ways to know he has no intention of being in a committed relationship. This is not as hard as some women would like it to be. I always stand by the saying, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."

If you are talking to a man, and he is showing you through his actions and/ or his words that he is not ready for a committed relationship then he's not ready. He won't be ready after you have sex with him, he won't be ready if you wait around patiently like a "good girl," he won't be ready if you show him your worth (whatever that means)… He will be ready, when HE makes that decision. Needless to say he may attempt to throw some mix signals, but are they really that mixed? Really? Lets see…

1. He calls me every day and we talk all night, but he still doesn't want to be in a committed relationship.


2. He tells me he really like spending time with me, however he still has other female friends and avoids talking about "us" and our future.


3. We have sex every now and then and he told me that he loves me and enjoy being with me.


4. He never calls me but always wants me to call him


5. He tells me everything, I feel like his confidant, he told me he never told anyone else what he told me, but he still treats me as a "friend"


6. We meet up when he wants to meet up, he's typically not available when I hit him up, but I still leave a message and he calls back (eventually)


7. We spend a lot of time together and he says all the right things, then I don't hear from him for days.


8. We have great conversation, he's fun to be around but he seems to think its okay to suggest that we 'hook-up'

This man is doing just enough to intrigue you and have you think the relationship is going somewhere, then he is pulling back just enough to remind you that he isn't ready to be with you.

The problem (if it isn't clear) is that 1- He is controlling the relationship, the pace, the potential… even if it's ultimately not going anywhere it is he who is controlling it to his advantage. 2- By accepting his behavior you are giving him the permission and power to jerk you around like that.

In revealing his intentions the best way to understand where you stand is to ask… He could either give you double talk- saying he doesn't know but he really likes you etc., or he could give a direct answer- "no I am not ready for a relationship," or he could avoid answering the question completely by changing the subject- "do we have to talk about this right now… how bout you let me give you a massage?"

Though they may seem like three different responses they are actually the same, "I am not ------- (ready to, interested, thinking about, considering, have a desire to) have a committed relationship with you"

If you find yourself in this situation it is imperative that you are first real with yourself in deciding what you want from the relationship.

If you want to be in committed relationship with him, then you need to work towards letting him

go… immediately.

If you only want to be friends, lets get real! Ask yourself this if you saw him in public with another woman would it anger you? Jealousy maybe? Be really real with yourself, are you trying to be his "friend" because you hope he will eventually come around and be your knight in shining armor? How certain are you that this is (or will be) a healthy friendship?

If you feel compelled to stay because you think he will come around…. WAKE UP FOOL!! The chances of that are slim, and your waiting will grow into anxiety, you will begin to push the topic of a relationship a bit more, you will begin to forget about your boundaries with hopes that he will realize how much of a "catch" you are. Just know, if he does succumb to your pressure and claims to be committed to you don't be surprised if the relationship is extremely bumpy and very little changes

Ultimately the art of revealing his intentions is right before your eyes. It is not nearly as complex as you may want it to be, it is simple, however asking the question, accepting the truth and moving on is difficult.

Thoughts?

On the Prowl: Men We Should Avoid Dating & Why We Don't

Womanizer

Description: Some may refer to this type as “player” or “dog” whatever your choice of words they are pretty much the same. This is the well dresses, smooth talking, flirtatious man who has to surround himself with females. He has female acquaintances wherever he goes, often refers to them as “friends.” You know the type…

Why Avoid Him: If it’s not obvious, he probably doesn’t respect your time or that of any woman. He feeds his ego with the attention he gets from women and that’s bound to lead to something physical.

Why We Do Not Avoid Him: We want to see what all the fuss is about… We assume there is a very good reason these women are (seemingly) swooning over him. And also, we want to “tame” him, for some reason we believe we are going to be THE ONE who makes him change his ways or modify them a bit.

Baby Boy

Description: This is the guy who may not be on your level intellectually or common sense-wise. And his naivety and ignorance is somewhat charming, and you feel compelled to take him under your wing. He’s not as clueless as he comes off to be but he thrives off of women who assume the maternal role when dealing with him.



Why Avoid Him: Because you do everything while he plays dumb… or incapable. He’s the one that you’re trying to help find a job (he doesn’t really want), trying to help with the custody battle (he doesn’t care to win), trying to help get back in school (he probably just want the student loan check)… You feel like, “yeah, let me help a brotha out” when in reality you just doing the foot work to bring him to excellence while he’s perfectly content chilling in mediocrity.


Why We Do Not Avoid Him: We feel we have an obligation of some sort to help him out. Perhaps even motivate him. He talks big, and we are often persuaded by his pipedreams that we want to lend him a hand. That maternal instinct begins to kick-in and we actually feel really good about what we’re doing… until we realize how he’s playing us!

Thug


Description: Thug, dope boy, trap-star, whatever you want to call him. Driving a Chevy _____ (fill in the blank) on 22’s. Often engaged in illegal activities, and carries a gun somewhere on him or in his car. He has truly embraced the streets by choice. Do I need to elaborate? I don’t think so…


Why Avoid Him: Uhm, really do I need to answer that? SIGH for my lost divas allow me to explain. He’s living a lifestyle where he doesn’t value his life and the lives of others so why would he value your life… time… body… heart? Yes, even thugs need love, but not yours hunny that’s a road you do not want to travel down.


Why We Do Not Avoid Him: Something about the bad boys… There is some excitement mixed with fear that gets our blood flowing throughout the body. The demeanor, the tattoos, the way he talks can be appealing (especially when you’re brain is being flooded with all these rappers trying to be sex symbols *yuck*). And once again you may want to be the woman who “changes” him or you want to be the one he FINALLY settles down with. That sort of accomplishment makes you feel valuable, or worthy despite settling for less than your worth… Do you really want that lifestyle? Do you really think he’s going to give up his for you? Do you want that burden of trying to pull him from the streets while at the same time furthering your life goals and pursuits? No.

Forever Friend

Description: This guy is someone who you met, and thought you two really hit it off and would perhaps become an item, however it never actually took off. He is the guy who calls you and floods your ear with flirtatious comments and asks the “questions” (you know the ones you ask before you start officially dating) getting your hopes up and have you believing you two have a future. You even mess around a couple of times, a kiss here and there, maybe some oral… maybe even some sex (geesh I hope not). He comes and goes as he pleases, its obvious you’re the only female he’s talking too and he makes it a point to tell you how much he admires you and values you guys friendship. Yes FRIENDship.



Why Avoid Him: Because he wants to be your friend with benefits for as long as he can get away with it. Why is this bad? Because he’s wasting your time! He doo-dallying around while putting his hand all up in your cookie jar, without making a commitment. He says just enough to have you thinking it could go somewhere but it never does. What is so important when dealing with this guy is not to try to force HIM to make his intentions clear… but for YOU to make yours clear and be consistent because, by playing the “friend” role you can really get hurt when you see him with another “friend” and have to face the reality that you never sealed the deal. So long as you allow him to play… he will.


Why we Do Not Avoid Him: Because we want to believe we are strong enough to maintain a friendship with this man without being romantically attached… We’re afraid that if we present him with an ultimatum he will reject us, so we opt to wait for him to come around and he will “come around” but not with the intentions you desire. We think breaking off the “friendship” will make us look bad, like we couldn’t handle it, and the truth is- we can’t and that is okay, nobody wants to be emotionally tormented.

15% Man


Description: Extremely attractive, outgoing, nice, guy you met through another friend , he wasn’t very aggressive but clearly showed interest. He makes it known that he’s single and looking and is quite obviously a good catch, until you find out he just broke up with his girlfriend who he openly describes as being a psycho heart breaker.



Why Avoid Him: Because you are only getting 15% of his attention both emotionally and physically. The other 85% is obsessed with his ex and proving he can get over her. It may seem like he’s over her but within weeks he’s mentioning meeting up with her for lunch (and you act like you’re cool with it) or from time to time he says “my ex used to …” or even worse they have the same mutual friends, which makes it extremely awkward for you when meeting them.


Why we Do Not Avoid Him: Because he’s the relationship type, who would be such a great boyfriend and potential husband… We want to believe he will get over her and it will be all about you. You know you deserve a good man! Yes, he’s a good man but he’s not YOUR man, not entirely only a mere 15%, so just let him go.




Question to the Reader? Have you ever settled for a man you knew you should have avoided for one of the following reasons; he was very attractive, the sex was good, or you hate being alone?

Double Talk: What you say vs. What he hears and Why?

When it comes to communication between the sexes many of the self-proclaimed relationship gurus resort to the played out logic; "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus" I personally think it is a cop-out. Instead of encouraging the sexes to be clear about their intentions through their language, too many agree that women are a mystery and men just do not understand. I think we need to break that complacent mold and do better.

There are things that we say that encourages an unwanted reaction, we may say one thing but he hears another. Here are some examples along with some tips on how we can do better:

We Say, "What is our status?" or "Where is this relationship going?"

He Hears, "Are you going to commit to me or not? We need to get thang going!"

The Problem: He is feeling pressure to make a decision he may not be ready to make, which may force him out the door or into a serious relationship prematurely. I understand the anxiety of being in that "kinda dating, kinda committed" limbo, but don't let your uneasiness dictate the pace of the relationship. If you feel uncomfortable about being in limbo by all means communicate that but don't attempt to put the pressure on him by forcing him to define the relationship, you're the one with the problem so you propose the solution or better yet where you'd ideally like to be. For instance, "I like the way things are going now, and I believe I am ready to date exclusively, do you think that is something you are ready for? (if he hesitates then follow up with) You don't have to answer now, but I'd like to know soon if you feel the same or differently."

We Say, "I've been hurt in the past"

He Hears, "I have some unresolved issues with men and trust, by the way can you help me carry some of this baggage."

The Problem: Ask yourself, What is the purpose of telling him this? The only sound reason to tell a man "I've been hurt in the past" is as an explanation as to why you are not ready to be in a relationship. And I mean an explanation that is not up for debate, discussion, or reconsideration depending on how he responds. Telling a man this is admitting to him and yourself that you are not ready to be in a committed relationship. All too often women say this thinking that it will serve as a warning for the man, discouraging him from potentially hurting them. They also say this with hopes they will hear the man say, "I will never hurt you, you can trust me" or something of affect, giving them reassurance and "permission" to engage in a relationship. While, you may feel good about the sugar-soaked words he's dripping in your ear, you need to know by saying that you have opened yourself up to game. If you're not ready for a relationship don't allow a man to reassure you otherwise and if you're saying it to hear some genuine reassurance you are better off keeping it to yourself.

We Say, "I'm not mad"

He Hears, "I'm not mad"

The Problem: You ARE mad. It is okay to be upset, it is most destructive if you don't communicate that with him. He is think everything is all good, despite you slamming the cabinet doors or ignoring phone calls and texts, he is going to be convinced that you are not mad, because you said you weren't. He can't read your mind, and if you're upset he probably doesn't truly want to know, so he's not going to further inquire. It is up to you to initiate the resolution if you have a problem. And even if you said you weren't mad, and later realized you are, know that it is not too late to say, "Babe, I know I said I wasn't mad, but I've done thinking and it does bother me…" Be clear about your emotions; don't be afraid to initiate the progress you deserve.

We Say, "Just calling/ texting to say 'Hi'"

He Hears, "Just checking on you because I have nothing better to do with my time…"

The Problem: Before you call or text, have a purpose, and don't spend hours trying to think of a purpose I am certain you have better things to do with your time. Yes, you are probably thinking about him and wondering if he's thinking of you too… He probably is, but consider how productive and interesting the conversation will be if you actually have something to talk about. You are improving your relationship or increasing the chance of a relationship by opting for quality rather than quantity when it comes to phone calls.

We Say, "You will never find another woman like me"

He Hears, "You are making a mistake passing me up, I challenge you to find happiness without me and I am certain you will be back!"

The Problem: You have just challenged him to find happiness elsewhere. He may have too much pride to admit that you are a good woman and now want to prove to you that he can find another woman, even if she isn't on your level. This is an instance when you have to let your silence do the talking, if you want him to come back don't insult his potential instead let him learn on his own that he's missing out on a good thing. Sometimes we have to learn when to be quiet… it is a skilled that I have yet to master.

From these examples I hope you can understand the importance of communicating effectively and clearly, it takes effort and it is worth it.

Thoughts? Do your words get lost in translation?