Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

We all know the nursery rhyme about good ol' Humpty Dumpty falling off of that wall, broke to pieces, and all of the man power available could not put him back together.

The rhyme never specifies that Humpty is an egg, but it makes sense that he would be- I mean, geesh, have you ever tried to put together a pieces of a broken egg? If you have ever been in a relationship where the trust was lost or "broken," then sure you have.

I believe it is a common fallacy, that trust can always be rebuilt, in many cases it can not. Love comes and goes because love is sturdy and with effort can be reignited. Trust however, much like an egg, is very fragile and when broken the parties involved need to prepared for three things;

1- Putting in the Work: It is a long and often strenuous process when rebuilding trust.

Typically, the lover at fault believes that an apology should suffice when often that isn't nearly enough. Because of the guilt they may feel the lover at fault may be reluctant to have the discussions and answer the questions needed to help the relationship move on. Unfortunately, they opt to place their comfort before the potential of the relationship.

When trust is broken and you want to try to continue with the relationship, one of the first things BOTH lovers must accept is that it is going to be a very difficult journey and they need to be open to communicating, learning, and forgiving.

In a previous post The Sweetest Revenge ,I discuss the difference between manipulation and whole hearted forgiveness... check that out when you get a chance.

To be honest, a couple doesn't want to have to constantly revisit such a dark time in their relationship, and feel comfortable with simply ignoring the issue, because they love and want the relationship but do not want to put in the work and effort to handle the malice that will haunt their potential, beware of this...

2-Love Changes: Acknowledging and accepting that though they have put it together most of the pieces it will never be the same again

When couples work very hard at regaining that trust and strengthening that bond it can be a very rewarding experience. These couples should understand that though they have worked hard at rebuilding the trust is will never be the same again.

Now, that can be a good and bad thing. I personally, believe that it can be very positive if both lovers are committed to accepting that change for the sake of the relationship. The changes that may occur, can range from interest in sex to amount of daily conversations.

During the process of rebuilding trust the lover may need time to deal with their new found insecurities and that alone can be a long, yet worthwhile, journey. And the lover at fault may be encouraged to be more affectionate than usual, more attentive than usual, cut out the activities that may have caused them to break that trust... All of these things are changes and affect the dynamics of the relationship.

So often a lover will confess they "just want things to be like they use to be" that's normal- just think back to when you were dating how fresh and tantalizing things were! However, it is very unrealistic, with the ups and downs a relationship is constantly shifting and evolving- some for better and some for worse.

Don't be afraid of the growth because not only are their lessons within that growth, but it will also help you decide if that relationship is where you need to be at this point in your life.

3-Couldn't put him back together again: Often the trust will not be rebuilt and you should consider re-evaluating the relationship.

Unfortunately, most trust issues are never resolved. I can list hundreds of reasons why, but the message is not necessarily in the reasons, but that if both parties are not willing to do what is necessary and put forth that grand effort (discussed in point #1) to salvage the relationship then it may be time to let it go... be it for now by taking a break, as I discuss in my post on How to Take a Break or for good.

If you or your partner feel you are fighting an uphill battle, are growing weary, and feel trying to rebuild the trust is driving a wedge between you two instead of pulling you together before you give up consider getting a third party involved. It may be easier to address the issues with a counselor who is impartial and simply wants you two to be healthy and happy whether you are together or apart.

If that isn't an option because you don't feel the relationship is that deep then do what you feel need to do, but don't beat yourself up thinking you have failed your relationship.

It is a very difficult time for a relationship when trust is broken and often such devastation require you to have some space to Reflect, Reevaluate, and Remedy.

Rain...Rain... Go Away...

One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months.

We been through every kind of rain there is.

Little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain.

Rain that flew in sideways.

And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. -Forest Gump

Rain and storms are going to come in life, and if you are not anchored you and the things you care for may be swept up in the turmoiltuous weather.

If you feel as though the clouds are turning grey and you can "smell" the rain coming (LOL you know how you can smell the rain in the air?!... maybe that's just a southern thing *shrug*) you are at an advantage because you can prepare for the worse, don't turn a blind eye to the signs because you are in denial or believe you do not have the "energy" to persevere through what is coming. Instead, lower your anchor, wherever and whatever it may be anchor yourself in what will keep you positive, steady, and motivated to get through it all.

Most of us don't see it coming, one moment it is beautiful and sunny and the next moment there are scattered thunder storms and tornado warnings. Panic sets in because we do not understand... everything seemed fine... where is all of this coming from? Confusion flutters our hearts and minds as we seek understanding...

Emotions ranging from Anger to Denial flood our minds that we fail to take time to set our anchor and are often swept away by storm.

When I feel that I am going through a storm, I get so caught up in trying to understand what has happened, and I am so overwhelmed by my emotions that i neglect what works for me and what has worked for me before. It seems like I become determined to "fix" the situation and I forget to protect myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. What I have learned is that I can only endure as much as i am prepared to endure. Sure the situation may get fixed... but what about the collateral damage?

Some people react differently from myself. There are those who go through storms and become stagnate. The allow the rain to soak them to the bone and they give in to the high winds, have you ever met someone who doesn't mind being cold and wet? Who would rather talk about how miserable, confused, and discourage they are, than make an effort to get through and move past their troubles? I do. And it is not they enjoy those moments, I believe those moments give them an excuse... An excuse as to why they don't want to be in a committed relationship... why they can't finish school... why they are in debt... excuse why they can not find a job... and excuse why they can't let go of destructive relationships... excuses for days. They may say: See, this is why_______ (fill in the blank), because nothing seems to work out for me and yadda yadda yadda...

The rains and storms of life are inevitable... how we overcome them makes all the difference.

They say, "Those who live in sunshine may have faith, but those of us who walk in the shadows (and storms) MUST have faith."

Think about those life moments when you felt the rain drowning you and the winds pushing you... Can you believe you got through it?!? Shouldn't that be proof enough that you will get through the next storm to come?

Who and/or what was your anchor?

And what about the aftermath... are you not stronger?

I thought we were over this...

I was listening to my favorite radio show during my commute home from work this week, and the topic was on inter-racial dating. I rolled my eyes thinking this is old news who is still stuck on this? and too my surprise a flood of callers all black females called in venting their rage about black men dating white women.



Two points came to mind that I would like to share;



1-Male or female, black or white or Hispanic or whatever... straight or gay, whoever you are, I personally feel is would be unfortunate for you to miss an opportunity to meet your soul mate because you refuse to date outside of your race/ethnicity.


I feel everyone can benefit from broadening their scope and going beyond their comfort zone to meet potential mates. I'm not saying it is easy but I am saying that it may actually be rewarding.

2-Chris Rock brought up this point in his stand up "Kill the Messenger" and I found it quite profound. He suggested that the only reason why black women get upset about black men dating white woman is because... y'all ready for this?

Black women are not as attracted to white men as black men are to white women.
So basically the "ratio" is not balanced and therefore unfair to black women, hence the root of their rage. Between gay men and white women black women may feel their chances are slim to none catching a black man...

I don't think that is necessarily true. There are plenty of attractive white men out there I would suggest the issue may be that white men may not be as attracted to black women.

I thought I would share this excerpt from a blog I read;

The more I woke up next to a white woman, I found my self attracted to the smell of their hair, their smoothly shaved legs, their french manicured toes, their porcelain like skin and their free spirit. The contrast of our skin is one of the most erotic things I can imagine.
I know plenty of beautiful black women, but I don’t find myself attracted to them in a romantic way. I can appreciate their beauty, but it’s not for me. Over the years, some have taken this as a insult. I take it as the ability to make a choice and to have a preference.


It is a pretty good blog you can find the rest of the post here where the blogger, Ethan, details why he prefers to date white women http://idatewhite.com/2008/09/30/why-white-women-2/


I am so over the interracial dating controversies I feel like they are so 1997ish... however a lot of communities still deal with the issue and interracial couples still are being harassed.


Do you feel like there are still extreme abstentions to interracial dating? What group of people do you think have the most issues with it? Don't you think we should be over it by now? Am I being too naive or optimistic...?

Dealing with the “Homies”

Since I don’t really watch For the Love of Ray J it took me a considerable amount of time to get the joke, “Danger She Smashed the Homies…” But once I caught on my initial reaction was wow that sucks… but isn’t anything new.

Whether or not you have “smashed” his “homies” I believe dealing with the friends of the guy you are dating can be complicated at times. Here are ways to handle his friends and still come out on top:

Don’t smash them… This should go without saying, however I am taking time to address this issue because it’s a small world and many times social circles can overlap so you may have dated or hooked up with a friend of his and never suspected you would cross paths again. If this is the case handle it with a great deal of poise. Be cordial and when you have the first opportunity pull your guy aside and mention “hey just so you know I know Derrick from some months ago, it’s a small world huh?” Whether or not he asks for more information that’s on him, but by giving him that heads up he won’t be caught off guard if his friend approaches him about you.

Let them have their “guy time”… It’s a nice idea to be able to hang around with him and all of his friends like “one of the guys” but the truth is you are not. And believe it or not men value their alone time with their friends even if you are really cool and charming, give them that space.

Don’t seek their approval… Remember you are dating him not his buddies, so there is no need to overextend yourself in an attempt to seek their approval. If his friends like you that is great and if they don’t it is not the end of the world. Maybe in time they will come around and realize you’re not so bad, or maybe the truth is they don’t like any of his girlfriends because they are simply haters. It is not up to you to instigate the issue, you just focus on being a great girlfriend and being cordial to his friends. Remember you are his girlfriend not one of the guys. Just be yourself and enjoy your relationship.

His friends may not be very inclusive with you, or may not include you in the conversation and that doesn't mean they don't like you that is just how men operate. With that said don't force yourself into the conversation or become a chatterbox. Strike a balance running your mouth too much can come off as annoying and somewhat insincere... while remaining quiet makes you seem stuck up, so just go with the flow chime in when relevant, relax, and be you.

Don't embarrass him... Maybe lay off the pet names and avoid telling embarrassing stories. When you're chillin with a bunch of fun loving guys at times it is hard to gauge what is and is not appropriate, so just be safe and avoid anything that would make your boyfriend feel awkward or embarrassed.

Be respectful… Just because you are his girlfriend that doesn’t mean you can treat his friends like crap. Even if you do not like them instead of attacking them, simply limit the time you are around them. If your issue with them is very personal and affects how you feel about your guy spending time with them, then that is a conversation you should have with your boyfriend.

Birds of a feather flock together… This saying has proven to be very true. If you notice your guy’s friends are a bunch of womanizing players, don’t immediately pass judgment but do take it very seriously.

When you are dating someone you are in the process of getting to know them, and by meeting their friends there is another component about them that is being introduced, take it into as much consideration as you would if he told you he likes to have a lot of female friends or he wants to be married within the next 5 years.

Don’t make him choose… If you get into a situation where you are asking your man to choose between you and his friends, you are facing a losing battle. Even if he does give up his friends he is also giving up a part of himself that he will need in order to function in a healthy relationship. Whether or not you think his friends are a bad influence on him you have to realize that he is a man and can think for himself. If he’s being negatively influenced then it is result of his actions nobody else. So see it for what it is and instead of making HIM choose perhaps you need to be the one deciding if you will stay or go.

Speak up and act out… One thing I can not stand is when a guy allows his friends to disrespect his girlfriend. Whether or not it is in jest, it is still inappropriate and is not something you should willingly sweep under the rug. How he perceives you and how his friends perceive you is all in your control. You may not be a prude but you still don’t play like that or think that joke was funny or even felt those actions were personally offensive. Don’t be afraid to speak up about it, if you don’t who will? And they will either respect your for that or not, but I can assure you they will think twice about doing it again. Also, confronting it doesn’t have to be like a bad episode of Maury, you can simply say “I know y’all are kidding, but I don’t really play about stuff like that, so we coo?”

And consider the fact that your boyfriend may or may not know that you are offended so be sure to point it out to him so you two are on the same page. Granted if he knows that you are being disrespected or offended and he’s allowing it… you are dating a jackass and should be preparing for immediate departure. If his friends are hitting on you or flirting you need to check his friend and give your guy a heads up... If you can't tell whether or not they are flirting- just to be safe intentionally distance yourself from that particular friend.

For some you and your bf's social circles may directly overlap and if that is the case, you are at a great advantage. However, one issue you may encounter is spending too much time with one another so don't be afraid to leave the guys at home and have a girls night out... Yea I know its a lot more fun when the guys are around, but this is a healthy habit you should develop because you do not want to feel smothered in your relationship.

Another issue you two may face if you run with the same group of friends is everyone being in your business, you two may not last forever so when things are rocky try not to vent to the friends, cussing him, and making them choose sides, this will put you and your friends in a very awkward situation especially after the dust settles.

How do you deal with his friends? Any luck in that department? Any especially awkward situations? and how did you handle it?

Easy to Give... Hard to Take: Advice & the Modern Woman

Giving and Taking Advice

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. -Erica Jong
Often we seek advice because we need someone to give us the cold hard truth that we would prefer to avoid. I can attest to receiving advice while mumbling I know... I know...because I DO KNOW but I wish I did not, yet I am grateful to have a loved one who is willing to advise me anyway.

"Do-so" is more important than "say-so." -Pete Seeger
Much like the phrase "Practice what you preach."As we dish out advice we should pause and ask ourselves are willing to take this same advice and have we done so? When receiving advice, note if the person is walking the walk or just talking the talk. I'm sure they mean well but it makes a difference when weighing the impact of the advice if the person isn't taking it themselves.

In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend -Solon
We have some friends who don't mind telling you what they think you want to hear... then there are those who will be straight up and tell you the real deal. Sincere advice should not destroy a friendship so don't be afraid to share your real thoughts. If you have friends who constantly seek to please you and not push you... then how can you grow?

Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night -P.K. Dick
I'm no stranger to 4am calls and neither are any of my friends! I think whenever an issue is consuming your thoughts and emotions you need to take time to talk it out... but 4am is not a time to solve issues. Dawn brings new light both to the world and to your mind and heart, take that time to really think and reflect not to react in haste.

Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble -Sidney J Harris
I believe it is important that the advice isn't mere speculation, some issues people just will not understand because they have not been there, and as a person giving advice you should tread carefully if you have never ventured in that territory. The same with receiving advice, it is great to listen to a voice of reason but always consider the source and their experience. It doesn't make it any less valuable but it may not be easy to take the advice.

Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties -Aesop
A lot of people have their own shit going on and you just can't blindly take their advice. It may sound good, but that may because they are not only telling you what you want to hear, but also what they want to hear. And if asked for advice while going through personal difficulties do your friend a favor and admit that you may not be in the best place right now to advise on that issue but you are here to listen.

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. -Josh Billings
Everyone is quick to give advice, maybe because it feels great to be asked for it... maybe because we are happy to share the lessons we have learned or maybe we think we are far wiser than what we are. Nevertheless sharing is the easy part, but taking advice is a challenge. Some people seek the advice of several people before coming to terms with a resolution, and that is because often we don't hear what we want to hear or how we want to hear it and the repetition of the message will slowly began to sink in no matter how it is told.... Hence the next point...

Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into, the mind. -S.T. Cooleridge
When giving advice consider your deliverance, it makes a difference. I know I can be pretty uhm... cold when dishing advice and I am learning that deliverance can make all the difference. Giving the fact that advice is so difficult to take, if you going to give it to em give it to em nice and easy... but not in order to please, but in order to effectively get your point across.

Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them... -Me
Just because you're friend calls you in tears, baffled with many unanswered questions doesn't mean it is time for you to lay it on her. Just listen, as the first point makes they may already know the answer but need someone to listen to them think it through. At times they may ask for advice but allow your instincts and your knowledge of that person determine if they really just want you to listen. Its okay to take heed and realize your words of advice is not always needed but your listening ear would certainly do!

What Makes Him Tick… Makes You Sick!

At the beginning of relationships you are all "souped up" in the Butterfly Stage. You get butterflies when he calls you, you get butterflies when you see him you get butterflies when someone mentions his name. You are feeling him, his swag, the way he talks, the way he smells, you two are vibing about music preferences, watching Law & Order SVU together its just perfect.

But soon after some months, the little things you didn't notice before become most apparent, the way he chews, how he follows every sentence with "knaw wat I'm sayin?"… Or maybe the fact that he's been playing that same CD in the car since you two met and you are really getting sick of hearing Lil Wayne, or how he grunts and flex his biceps like a primitive beast after he orgasms. Now those butterflies have morphed into those annoying ass knags that tickle your ears and get caught in your eyelashes and shit (Ughhh I hate those!), when you reach this point in the relationship it can make or break a couple. That's because it goes both ways, there are little things you do that irritates the hell out of him as well!

Wise people always advise that you do not sweat the "small stuff," but where do you draw the line? I think it is so interesting how after the Butterfly Stage couples kind of just fall off their game, ladies and fellas both begin to get comfortable and stop doing the things that got them this far. I wonder what motivates this change? After the Butterfly Stage, is that when people begin to take their masks off and say, "Aha! Now that I got (fucked) you this is who I am! And you're going to stay because I may be committed to you just enough to keep you intrigued!" or maybe not.

Honestly, this is exactly why I am not a fan of throwing the "L" word around. It is easy to think you are falling in love while in the Butterfly Stage because everything seems so perfect and so "right." Yeah… right! Wait until those initial feelings kind of subside before declaring your love for him, because you never know; what makes him tick, surely may make you sick! And there is not anything wrong with that, that's why you get to know one another to see how you two vibe…

Pump the brakes be patient and really be committed to getting to know him for who he is, not who you want him to be, who he MAY be a year from now, or who he was back in High School, but who he is N-O-W and who knows What makes him tick, may make you TOCK!

What was one of the most annoying habits you learned about a person you dated that literally made you pause and give them the screw face like WTF?!?

I will go first so check the comments section!

The Art of Revealing: Your Past

While dating, it is expected to want to learn about one another but sometimes we can be a bit hasty about revealing our past. In this two part post I will address the Art of Revealing your past, and his past (you may recall the previous post, The Art of Revealing: His Intentions)

What do you want him to know and why?

Sharing with him your likes and dislikes is healthy and important for him to know at the start of the relationship. However, sharing with him details about your sexual past or past relationships could be a deal breaker. Before you opt to divulge ask yourself, "why am I telling this 'stranger' this personal information?"

Are you telling him so that is may serve as a warning? You may tell him "I've been hurt in the past" expecting him to see the caution signs when in reality he sees the Exit sign, because he doesn't want to deal with your baggage.

Are you telling him because you feel that it will strengthen the bond you two share? If you're starting your conversation with "I've never told anyone this but…" you need to pause and remind yourself that not only is he essentially a stranger but he has no obligation to remain your confidant is the relationship ends or even during the relationship.

Are you telling him with hopes that you are leading by example, and by "opening up" to him he will in turn open up to you? Don't kid yourself into thinking he's going to divulge information to you in the same magnitude you are to him. And as I will mention in the another post, there are things that you should not want to pry into when dating.

Sometimes we so desperately want a male shoulder to lean on and cry on, someone to validate us and our emotional turmoil that we pour our souls out the very second we have a chance. You want to be able to tell him anything, even the things you swear you'd take to the grave you feel it is a privilege to have a man to share it with, or maybe you do not know what are some good conversations to have when first dating.

Getting to know one another is something that takes time and does not require you to volunteer too much information, however I am not condoning hiding anything that may true. If you are uncomfortable answering a question say, "Maybe we can talk about that another time" or Yea, I'm not really comfortable sharing that with you at this point" do not be afraid to create those boundaries, I am certain it won't cause him to run and hide, if anything it will intrigue him.

Why are you frontin’ like you actually have “high standards”?

Okay I’m going to break my silence about this Rihanna situation only to make a point. Everybody has something to say about Rihanna, her situation and her decisions. I think we all can agree that it is an ugly situation, and we all can agree that we would never want to be in her position as a woman or lover, but what you may not realize is that you could be well on your way.

Ranting about how you would never do this, never accept that, never be in this or that situation, means nothing if you do not have self love and one way to develop that self love when dealing with relationships is by setting boundaries.

You could spend all night making a list of the characteristics your “dream” man must have; nice smile, funny, smart, at least 6’1”, church going… etc. Mentally you filter these men out as they approach you, shutting them down immediately if they don’t meet the requirements. But what happens when you do meet that ideal man? Where are the lists? How firm are your standards? Have you set boundaries?

As a human, people teach you how to interact with them based on what you allow and do not allow for them to do during encounters. Let me break this down… You learn how to treat a person when they show you what is acceptable and what is not acceptable when interacting with them. When a man is treating you wrong, and continues to treat you wrong it is your fault if you have not taken the steps to set the boundaries.

A boundary-less relationship is one that leaves you used, abused, and filled with resentment. A boundary-less relationship is one that involves a long term relationship with man who refuses to commit. A boundary-less relationship is one that progresses at the convenience of him and not you.

You create boundaries by determining what you want and would like to gain from the relationship. You create your boundaries BEFORE you enter a relationship… the boundaries should be the same across the board for all of your (potential) relationships, why? This is because boundaries are based on your values.

Having boundaries is not entirely about being able to walk away from a destructive relationship, but is about being able to negate the behaviors and tendencies that create a destructive behavior. Boundaries are about learning to say “No” without saying it, because we all know words mean nothing and actions are everything.

Some women fear boundaries because they think its creating a “No Pass Zone” in their relationship, essentially restricting the potential of their encounter and discouraging the guy from pursuing them further. Boundaries help build healthy relationships and filter out the bad ones, why would it hurt to set standards in a relationship while you have so many standards for men who are pursuing you outside of a relationship? Best believe he has some boundaries...!

It is a bit irritating when women want to nick pick the single men who are pursuing them aligning them with these superficial standards, then when they surpass preliminaries they allow them to run all over them, or they don’t enforce healthy boundaries.

The things you let him get away with he is going to continue to try to get away with. Forgiveness is a personal trait that is more for your well-being and sanity then it is for the future of the relationship. You can forgive him, while recognizing he has violated a boundary and enforce repercussions- enforce with your actions not with your mouthpiece.

Be real with yourself! If he has done something and it has you saying, “that is not okay,” he has crossed a boundary!

Thoughts?

Do you have some examples of the type of boundaries you set in relationships?

You will never find another like me! ...Right?

You were a good girlfriend and you stuck by him through the hard times and catered to him during the good times, however it didn't work out and you are determine to make him realize that he has made a huge mistake by taking you for granted and he lost out on a good thing.

Why else are you still calling him, in order to throw in his face where he fell short, and why you two could never be together again?

Why else are you wondering why hasn’t he called or texted you and you two had broken-up 2 weeks ago?

Why else do you need reassurance that he “understands” the error of his ways?

You are desperately seeking VALIDATION and the cold hard truth is that it is not about him… it is about you.

Seriously, what makes you think that he will give you the “validation” or “emotional satisfaction” NOW when he never gave it to you from the start? It is like you are saying,

“You showed me who you were (your true colors) and I was able to reveal your intentions while in the relationship, and you were no good! Which is why our relationship ended HOWEVER now that I am gone, I am certain you will morph into someone else and give me the validation you were incapable of giving me while in the relationship.”

Does that help you see how foolish this is?

If anything you should know that you are not obligated nor is it your responsibility to “teach him” or “show him” anything. You are an independent mind just as he is… Let him go and if he has that realization, who cares?!? You have already moved forward into more positive and productive things.

I emphasize “who cares?!?” because you truly do not need him to validate or reassure you of something you ALREADY know. You know you were good to him, you know he lost out on a good thing, you know how he fell short and the error of his ways… If he doesn’t know this he may have no interest in recognizing it or he recognizes it but is not reacting in a way that is satisfactory to you. There’s the root of the issue.

You are hoping for a reaction that you may not get and you truly should not seek. If he doesn’t “get it” then he just doesn’t “get it,” but you do, can you find comfort and worth in that?

If you feel this is going to help you move on, let him go, or gain some much needed closure- You are wrong. You are only making it more difficult to let him go, there is no comfort to be found in this route, there is no end to this path, and what is worse you are creating a habit that you will practice when ending relationships to come.

I believe that when you choose to seek validation or even act in this manner you are completely discrediting and devaluing your very own ability to make judgments and be comfortable and confident with your decisions. Be the reassurance that you seek, let your drama-free future be the validation that you seek.

Why even when the relationship ends we feel we need a MAN (or another person) to validate our feelings? Thoughts? Do Share...

The Sweetest Revenge: Forgiveness

We all yearn to hear those profound three words, it grants so much power, it provides a level of comfort, sometimes it is genuine- most of the time we don't care we just want to hear it, know it, possess it... "I am sorry." When our lover or partner apologizes, some do not truly care if the apology is genuine because they have been empowered by that very apology. On the surface we can be quick to forgive, but beneath we still feel the pains of the act and subconsciously seek revenge.

You may or may not be able to identify with this, but trust me whether or not you are aware of it you have done it. As your partner pleads for forgiveness that sinister voice in your head feels good, a titillating emotion that develops a hunger that needs to be fed, and its dish of choice; Guilt. If this is you I want you to go into your coat closet and pull out your pedestal and destroy it!

It is very common to avidly claim and at times believe yourself that you have forgiven your partner, yet from time to time you find yourself feasting on their guilt. Furthering their remorse you feel empowered and this act becomes addictive... Just imagine yourself standing on that darn pedestal looking down on him/her pointing that finger in her face... and because of the guilt they have very little to say and because of the love they have for you they put up with it.

This is wrong. This is unhealthy. This is far too common. The art of forgiveness is not complicated, however it takes commitment.

Step One: Be honest with yourself- Although your partner has apologized you may want to forgive however need time to yourself to really reflect on the situation. By no means does this indicate a break up or separation, but before you utter words of forgiveness take the time to process what has happened.

Not forgiving the person is not an option because forgiveness is more about you and your growth than it is about your significant other and their faults.

Step Two: Ask yourself these key questions;
-Why should I stay with him/her?
- What would I do if he/she did it again?
- If this is acceptable what would I consider unacceptable (absolute dealbreaker)?
- Am I ready to work towards being committed to truly forgiving him/her?
- Is he/she worth it?

Step Three: Ask the questions you want to know, here are some to start with:
- What happened? (get it all in the open now... if it seems he/she can't be honest about it then go back to step one)
- What are you doing to prevent this from happening again?
- Ideally where do YOU think we would go from here?
- Do you understand that forgiveness and rebuilding trust takes time?
- Are you willing to do what is necessary to rebuild the trust we once shared?

All of this discussion should not take place in one night, if you can help it, it is a lot to process, and you don't want to shortchange the process of forgiveness by rushing through it.

Although you may be working very hard to forgive your partner you may be tempted to feed that unnerving hunger of drowning them in guilt and remorse, so here are some things to keep in mind when you are tempted to do so.
- Nobody is perfect... We all fall short so have some compassion if you truly care about this person, and if you don't just let them go.
- You are being destructive... They will leave you if you continue to treat them that way, and if they don't they should have enough love and respect for themselves to do so and not put up with your "holier than thou" antics
- If you feel that behavior is necessary or find it hard to NOT climb upon that pedestal, then you should remove yourself from that relationship and take some time to focus on you- seek counseling if necessary.

Forgiveness can be a beautiful thing and as much as we would like to believe we are forgiving people, it is far from easy for us to genuinely take that step. Using forgiveness as revenge does not make you a monster, it makes you human... but by no means is it acceptable. I leave you with this quotation: To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes


Thoughts?

The Art of Revealing: His Intentions

This post will address the art of revealing his intentions, ways to know he has no intention of being in a committed relationship. This is not as hard as some women would like it to be. I always stand by the saying, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."

If you are talking to a man, and he is showing you through his actions and/ or his words that he is not ready for a committed relationship then he's not ready. He won't be ready after you have sex with him, he won't be ready if you wait around patiently like a "good girl," he won't be ready if you show him your worth (whatever that means)… He will be ready, when HE makes that decision. Needless to say he may attempt to throw some mix signals, but are they really that mixed? Really? Lets see…

1. He calls me every day and we talk all night, but he still doesn't want to be in a committed relationship.


2. He tells me he really like spending time with me, however he still has other female friends and avoids talking about "us" and our future.


3. We have sex every now and then and he told me that he loves me and enjoy being with me.


4. He never calls me but always wants me to call him


5. He tells me everything, I feel like his confidant, he told me he never told anyone else what he told me, but he still treats me as a "friend"


6. We meet up when he wants to meet up, he's typically not available when I hit him up, but I still leave a message and he calls back (eventually)


7. We spend a lot of time together and he says all the right things, then I don't hear from him for days.


8. We have great conversation, he's fun to be around but he seems to think its okay to suggest that we 'hook-up'

This man is doing just enough to intrigue you and have you think the relationship is going somewhere, then he is pulling back just enough to remind you that he isn't ready to be with you.

The problem (if it isn't clear) is that 1- He is controlling the relationship, the pace, the potential… even if it's ultimately not going anywhere it is he who is controlling it to his advantage. 2- By accepting his behavior you are giving him the permission and power to jerk you around like that.

In revealing his intentions the best way to understand where you stand is to ask… He could either give you double talk- saying he doesn't know but he really likes you etc., or he could give a direct answer- "no I am not ready for a relationship," or he could avoid answering the question completely by changing the subject- "do we have to talk about this right now… how bout you let me give you a massage?"

Though they may seem like three different responses they are actually the same, "I am not ------- (ready to, interested, thinking about, considering, have a desire to) have a committed relationship with you"

If you find yourself in this situation it is imperative that you are first real with yourself in deciding what you want from the relationship.

If you want to be in committed relationship with him, then you need to work towards letting him

go… immediately.

If you only want to be friends, lets get real! Ask yourself this if you saw him in public with another woman would it anger you? Jealousy maybe? Be really real with yourself, are you trying to be his "friend" because you hope he will eventually come around and be your knight in shining armor? How certain are you that this is (or will be) a healthy friendship?

If you feel compelled to stay because you think he will come around…. WAKE UP FOOL!! The chances of that are slim, and your waiting will grow into anxiety, you will begin to push the topic of a relationship a bit more, you will begin to forget about your boundaries with hopes that he will realize how much of a "catch" you are. Just know, if he does succumb to your pressure and claims to be committed to you don't be surprised if the relationship is extremely bumpy and very little changes

Ultimately the art of revealing his intentions is right before your eyes. It is not nearly as complex as you may want it to be, it is simple, however asking the question, accepting the truth and moving on is difficult.

Thoughts?

Heart of the Matter: How to have a Successful Break?

Sometimes relationships get to a point when either you or your partner feel you need a "break." What is a break? Well technically it is whatever you two decide it is but generally it is when you two are together but not formally together until you figure out how to overcome whatever issue is at hand.

Breaks can make or "break" a relationship... And clearly given the title of the act it typically breaks the relationship. Can you have a successful break? Not only can you have a successful break, but you can come back together stronger than you were before the break.

7 Tips to Having a Successful "Break"

1- Identify the purpose of the break: Ask the question why? And don't be afraid to press yourself or partner for an answer because the answer to the very question is the issue at hand and you need to identify the issue to overcome it. If you do not feel the need to ask "why?" then maybe you should ask "why not just break up?" To be honest, a break takes just as much commitment as a relationship just with more distance from your partner.

2- Make a goal: You and your partner should be able to come up with one or two goals for the break. An example of a goal would be; "After the break I would like for you make an effort to trust me and stop going through my phone" or "After the break I want you to stop throwing the past in my face." Having a goal is crucial because if you two achieve this goal this means that you are better now than you were before.

3- Rules and Restrictions: You two have to decide on rules, do not dictate the rules to your partner, but instead discuss them. If you do not make clear rules and restrictions then you are heading towards a break-up... Make the rules realistic to you and your relationship, they may be something like; 1- No sex (oral, anal, vaginal...whatever) 2- No dating 3- Call at least once a week (every Sunday to check on progress of relationship). Now during some breaks the couples are encouraged to date other people in order for them to gain some perspective on their relationship or relationships in general, like I said it depends on your specific relationship.

4- Communicate: Make it a point or even a rule, to communicate periodically, dramatically less than before but at least once or twice a week. You need to communicate in order to see where you two stand in terms of the goals. It can be a mere 5 minute conversation where one of you expresses "I'm still working on it" and that's it! But you need to communicate.

5- Distance: I just stressed the importance of communication, now on the flip side, distance is just as critical. Take some time out for yourself, your purpose, your goals and really commit to working on that for personal growth, because regardless whether or not you choose to reconcile it is important for you and your future relationships. Sometimes you see things more clearly when you take a few steps back.

6- Time: You two should set a check in date or time frame. This is to give you two some incentive to work towards the goals but also, you don't want to be taking a break for years. Perhaps after a month you two meet for lunch or dinner and discuss where you stand and where you want to go from here. You may opt to continue with the break (set another check in date), get back together, or break up. This discussion may happen sooner but just in case the break lingers having a check in date allows you to stay informed and possibly get back together.

7- Respect the Break: This final rule is basically saying that if you're on a break and know you truly need the break do not engage in activities that would ruin it or even your relationships future. If you feel you can not respect the rules and restrictions then you may need more than a break. Also, if he needs space give him that space you want your man to come back to you, you do not want to have to haunt him down and bring him back because he may not want to be there. If he stays in line with the goals, rules, check ins etc. feel comfort that he is doing what he can to be better for the relationship. If he is not then you may need more than a mere break.

She confided… You divulged: What you should not tell your man

When in relationships we often feel obligated to share things with our guy. Doing this helps him learn about you, shows him you are sincere, and makes you feel more connected. You may have found yourself telling your partner, "I feel like we can talk about anything?" and if you feel that way that is great. This may mean you are developing a trusting and sincere relationship. But the truth is, you can not talk to him about anything. I am not referring to the skeletons in your walk-in closet, or the excessive attention your coworkers may give you at the office- those are a different set of issues. I am addressing the habit of sharing with your significant other the business of your close friends.

You may be certain beyond a reason of doubt that he will not say a peep about the secrets you're divulging, nevertheless it is not right. I understand that sometimes your girlfriend is telling you something so juicy, and your conversation is filled with "whaat!" "oh heeelll no!" "guuuurrl!" and your guy is sitting there with his interest peaked curious about what is going on. You hang up, and he asks "everything okay?" and that just opened the hatch as you begin telling how ol' girl and ol' boy did who knows what, where, and why. You may not feel an ounce of remorse for sharing this drama filled conversation with your partner, because well he's your man and who is he going to tell? He won't say anything. This is not about you not being able to keep a secret or keep your mouth close regarding people's business, but it is about you sincerely believing telling your partner is an exception to those rules and requests.

He is not an exception. As drama filled and juicy the secret may be you have an obligation to your friend to keep it between you two. Even if she does not ask you to keep it on the low, as their friend keeping it under wraps should be automatic.

Yeah-Yeah, he is your man and you two have been dating for 4 months and your relationship is "like that" because he tells you stuff about his boys all the time! It still is not right, because although he may not say anything he may look at your friend different as a result of the information you divulged. He may look at your friendship differently and begin to lose respect for it, why should he respect your friendship when you clearly are not respecting it by telling your friends business? You do not want for there to be friction or disrespect between your man and your girlfriends. Blabbing your mouth could put your friend in an awkward or embarrassing position, because as I stated it is not a matter of him saying anything but him acting or treating her differently and she will notice.

If you feel torn as to whether you should share with your man, the best rule of thumb is to ask your friend. Ask her, "Do you mind if I tell Derrick?" and if you can't build the courage to ask her that, then you should know for sure that you should keep your mouth shut.

Many women think this act is harmless, but there is much more harm done than one may think. Even though you are in a relationship you still have to maintain the same level of respect and value for your friendships. This is not intended to cause friction between you and your boyfriend, but you have to show him that you do value your friendships and their business is their business, I am certain he will understand. I have encountered very few men who are burning to learn the new gossip or what is going on with Jessica and her date, last week. I find more often we invite them into that business by readily volunteering to share the information, and by peaking their interest by having the conversations in their presence. It is best if you're friend calls and she has something to tell you that may be personal, that you excuse yourself from the company of your man or tell your friend you will call her back as soon as you can.

When it comes to sharing with your hunny, you should only share what is yours and nobody else's. Is that too much to ask?

Double Talk: What you say vs. What he hears and Why?

When it comes to communication between the sexes many of the self-proclaimed relationship gurus resort to the played out logic; "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus" I personally think it is a cop-out. Instead of encouraging the sexes to be clear about their intentions through their language, too many agree that women are a mystery and men just do not understand. I think we need to break that complacent mold and do better.

There are things that we say that encourages an unwanted reaction, we may say one thing but he hears another. Here are some examples along with some tips on how we can do better:

We Say, "What is our status?" or "Where is this relationship going?"

He Hears, "Are you going to commit to me or not? We need to get thang going!"

The Problem: He is feeling pressure to make a decision he may not be ready to make, which may force him out the door or into a serious relationship prematurely. I understand the anxiety of being in that "kinda dating, kinda committed" limbo, but don't let your uneasiness dictate the pace of the relationship. If you feel uncomfortable about being in limbo by all means communicate that but don't attempt to put the pressure on him by forcing him to define the relationship, you're the one with the problem so you propose the solution or better yet where you'd ideally like to be. For instance, "I like the way things are going now, and I believe I am ready to date exclusively, do you think that is something you are ready for? (if he hesitates then follow up with) You don't have to answer now, but I'd like to know soon if you feel the same or differently."

We Say, "I've been hurt in the past"

He Hears, "I have some unresolved issues with men and trust, by the way can you help me carry some of this baggage."

The Problem: Ask yourself, What is the purpose of telling him this? The only sound reason to tell a man "I've been hurt in the past" is as an explanation as to why you are not ready to be in a relationship. And I mean an explanation that is not up for debate, discussion, or reconsideration depending on how he responds. Telling a man this is admitting to him and yourself that you are not ready to be in a committed relationship. All too often women say this thinking that it will serve as a warning for the man, discouraging him from potentially hurting them. They also say this with hopes they will hear the man say, "I will never hurt you, you can trust me" or something of affect, giving them reassurance and "permission" to engage in a relationship. While, you may feel good about the sugar-soaked words he's dripping in your ear, you need to know by saying that you have opened yourself up to game. If you're not ready for a relationship don't allow a man to reassure you otherwise and if you're saying it to hear some genuine reassurance you are better off keeping it to yourself.

We Say, "I'm not mad"

He Hears, "I'm not mad"

The Problem: You ARE mad. It is okay to be upset, it is most destructive if you don't communicate that with him. He is think everything is all good, despite you slamming the cabinet doors or ignoring phone calls and texts, he is going to be convinced that you are not mad, because you said you weren't. He can't read your mind, and if you're upset he probably doesn't truly want to know, so he's not going to further inquire. It is up to you to initiate the resolution if you have a problem. And even if you said you weren't mad, and later realized you are, know that it is not too late to say, "Babe, I know I said I wasn't mad, but I've done thinking and it does bother me…" Be clear about your emotions; don't be afraid to initiate the progress you deserve.

We Say, "Just calling/ texting to say 'Hi'"

He Hears, "Just checking on you because I have nothing better to do with my time…"

The Problem: Before you call or text, have a purpose, and don't spend hours trying to think of a purpose I am certain you have better things to do with your time. Yes, you are probably thinking about him and wondering if he's thinking of you too… He probably is, but consider how productive and interesting the conversation will be if you actually have something to talk about. You are improving your relationship or increasing the chance of a relationship by opting for quality rather than quantity when it comes to phone calls.

We Say, "You will never find another woman like me"

He Hears, "You are making a mistake passing me up, I challenge you to find happiness without me and I am certain you will be back!"

The Problem: You have just challenged him to find happiness elsewhere. He may have too much pride to admit that you are a good woman and now want to prove to you that he can find another woman, even if she isn't on your level. This is an instance when you have to let your silence do the talking, if you want him to come back don't insult his potential instead let him learn on his own that he's missing out on a good thing. Sometimes we have to learn when to be quiet… it is a skilled that I have yet to master.

From these examples I hope you can understand the importance of communicating effectively and clearly, it takes effort and it is worth it.

Thoughts? Do your words get lost in translation?