2.09.2009

She confided… You divulged: What you should not tell your man


When in relationships we often feel obligated to share things with our guy. Doing this helps him learn about you, shows him you are sincere, and makes you feel more connected. You may have found yourself telling your partner, "I feel like we can talk about anything?" and if you feel that way that is great. This may mean you are developing a trusting and sincere relationship. But the truth is, you can not talk to him about anything. I am not referring to the skeletons in your walk-in closet, or the excessive attention your coworkers may give you at the office- those are a different set of issues. I am addressing the habit of sharing with your significant other the business of your close friends.


You may be certain beyond a reason of doubt that he will not say a peep about the secrets you're divulging, nevertheless it is not right. I understand that sometimes your girlfriend is telling you something so juicy, and your conversation is filled with "whaat!" "oh heeelll no!" "guuuurrl!" and your guy is sitting there with his interest peaked curious about what is going on. You hang up, and he asks "everything okay?" and that just opened the hatch as you begin telling how ol' girl and ol' boy did who knows what, where, and why. You may not feel an ounce of remorse for sharing this drama filled conversation with your partner, because well he's your man and who is he going to tell? He won't say anything. This is not about you not being able to keep a secret or keep your mouth close regarding people's business, but it is about you sincerely believing telling your partner is an exception to those rules and requests.

He is not an exception. As drama filled and juicy the secret may be you have an obligation to your friend to keep it between you two. Even if she does not ask you to keep it on the low, as their friend keeping it under wraps should be automatic.

Yeah-Yeah, he is your man and you two have been dating for 4 months and your relationship is "like that" because he tells you stuff about his boys all the time! It still is not right, because although he may not say anything he may look at your friend different as a result of the information you divulged. He may look at your friendship differently and begin to lose respect for it, why should he respect your friendship when you clearly are not respecting it by telling your friends business? You do not want for there to be friction or disrespect between your man and your girlfriends. Blabbing your mouth could put your friend in an awkward or embarrassing position, because as I stated it is not a matter of him saying anything but him acting or treating her differently and she will notice.

If you feel torn as to whether you should share with your man, the best rule of thumb is to ask your friend. Ask her, "Do you mind if I tell Derrick?" and if you can't build the courage to ask her that, then you should know for sure that you should keep your mouth shut.


Many women think this act is harmless, but there is much more harm done than one may think. Even though you are in a relationship you still have to maintain the same level of respect and value for your friendships. This is not intended to cause friction between you and your boyfriend, but you have to show him that you do value your friendships and their business is their business, I am certain he will understand. I have encountered very few men who are burning to learn the new gossip or what is going on with Jessica and her date, last week. I find more often we invite them into that business by readily volunteering to share the information, and by peaking their interest by having the conversations in their presence. It is best if you're friend calls and she has something to tell you that may be personal, that you excuse yourself from the company of your man or tell your friend you will call her back as soon as you can.


When it comes to sharing with your hunny, you should only share what is yours and nobody else's. Is that too much to ask?

8 comments:

KurlyQue said...

I have to disagree a bit. Since being with my man I do notice that there are things that I keep from girls that I use to blab about but at the same I tell him everything. I've been knowing him for 8+ and this is the way its always been. He is really quiet so he isn't gone run and tell his friends what I say to him. I'm not the gossip type and I've never had a problem with it so far.

Stoltsheim Lian Bach IV said...

I think this is a legit point of view of this situation, but I don't think its definite or even a "either or" p.o.v. I think it comes down to personality type between you two. You have to know your man, If you are the type where you just have to tell someone the juicy details, and he is the type who don't care, I say tell him. I'm sure he will listen, even if it goes out the other ear, and it will have no bearings on how he view your friends. But if he is the judgmental type, and he is all in your phone convo, waiting for you to get off, just tell him "oh it was just so-n-so having trouble with her man again, it aint nothing." You don't even have to get that detail. I could go on but it just comes down to know your S.O personality and how they handle the juicy details. You blog post is a legit point of view though.

Chivonne said...

Something important to consider is if you think your friends would be okay with you telling your significant other their personal business?

Chivonne said...

Opting not to divulge your friends' secrets or personal business to your significant other is not necessarily about him telling someone else or a measure of how great your relationship is, but instead about respecting the relationship you have with your friends as well and this is important.

Stoltsheim Lian Bach IV said...

I agree with that, and maybe Im the one who is in the wrong, but I hold my S.O on a higher level with it comes to secrets and personal business. Only because my S.O secrets and business is mine also. Not to say that your friend business isn't significant. I guess it just come down to the old saying, "What someone doesn't know want hurt them". Unless of course you are the one being "hurt" because you know you told your friend business. Good response.

sjg said...

Thank you for this!! While understandably many may not agree I have to say that this is SO TRUE! Ladies, think of that one homeboy your man is always talking about who sleeps with a different chick every night or who can't settle down and is always collecting women to bring to the "group"...how do you look at 'Frank' when you meet him? How about when he and your man are having a 'guys night out'....people don't think of this in the heat of the moment but from personal experience I can say keeping it to yourself saves you PLENTY of unwanted and awkward convos btwn you and your boo later on.

GREAT POST Ms. Diva...Im definitely a fan of your blog, keep it up hunnie!!

Anonymous said...

in response to a few comments.

1) "If you are the type where you just have to tell someone the juicy details," --> Then that person needs to reevaluate. This is not a good quality to have and is bound to get them in trouble with relationships in the future.

2) Chivonne I completely agree, this creates tension in other relationships and it is not loving to your friend or your significant other. Especially since very few of you are probably with the same significant other that you were with 5 years ago but you may have many of the same friends. Your friends personal situation is not your boyfriends business and besides, learning to keep your mouth shut might build some integrity... I've seen countless people hurt by situations such as this.

~Ella

Anonymous said...

I made the mistake of sharing something with a significant other years ago and it came back to bite me recently. One of my biggest regrets.