The Sweetest Revenge: Forgiveness

We all yearn to hear those profound three words, it grants so much power, it provides a level of comfort, sometimes it is genuine- most of the time we don't care we just want to hear it, know it, possess it... "I am sorry." When our lover or partner apologizes, some do not truly care if the apology is genuine because they have been empowered by that very apology. On the surface we can be quick to forgive, but beneath we still feel the pains of the act and subconsciously seek revenge.

You may or may not be able to identify with this, but trust me whether or not you are aware of it you have done it. As your partner pleads for forgiveness that sinister voice in your head feels good, a titillating emotion that develops a hunger that needs to be fed, and its dish of choice; Guilt. If this is you I want you to go into your coat closet and pull out your pedestal and destroy it!

It is very common to avidly claim and at times believe yourself that you have forgiven your partner, yet from time to time you find yourself feasting on their guilt. Furthering their remorse you feel empowered and this act becomes addictive... Just imagine yourself standing on that darn pedestal looking down on him/her pointing that finger in her face... and because of the guilt they have very little to say and because of the love they have for you they put up with it.

This is wrong. This is unhealthy. This is far too common. The art of forgiveness is not complicated, however it takes commitment.

Step One: Be honest with yourself- Although your partner has apologized you may want to forgive however need time to yourself to really reflect on the situation. By no means does this indicate a break up or separation, but before you utter words of forgiveness take the time to process what has happened.

Not forgiving the person is not an option because forgiveness is more about you and your growth than it is about your significant other and their faults.

Step Two: Ask yourself these key questions;
-Why should I stay with him/her?
- What would I do if he/she did it again?
- If this is acceptable what would I consider unacceptable (absolute dealbreaker)?
- Am I ready to work towards being committed to truly forgiving him/her?
- Is he/she worth it?

Step Three: Ask the questions you want to know, here are some to start with:
- What happened? (get it all in the open now... if it seems he/she can't be honest about it then go back to step one)
- What are you doing to prevent this from happening again?
- Ideally where do YOU think we would go from here?
- Do you understand that forgiveness and rebuilding trust takes time?
- Are you willing to do what is necessary to rebuild the trust we once shared?

All of this discussion should not take place in one night, if you can help it, it is a lot to process, and you don't want to shortchange the process of forgiveness by rushing through it.

Although you may be working very hard to forgive your partner you may be tempted to feed that unnerving hunger of drowning them in guilt and remorse, so here are some things to keep in mind when you are tempted to do so.
- Nobody is perfect... We all fall short so have some compassion if you truly care about this person, and if you don't just let them go.
- You are being destructive... They will leave you if you continue to treat them that way, and if they don't they should have enough love and respect for themselves to do so and not put up with your "holier than thou" antics
- If you feel that behavior is necessary or find it hard to NOT climb upon that pedestal, then you should remove yourself from that relationship and take some time to focus on you- seek counseling if necessary.

Forgiveness can be a beautiful thing and as much as we would like to believe we are forgiving people, it is far from easy for us to genuinely take that step. Using forgiveness as revenge does not make you a monster, it makes you human... but by no means is it acceptable. I leave you with this quotation: To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes


Thoughts?

Deal Breaker: The Baby Mama Factor

He has kids... Is that a Deal breaker?

If you have decided to date a man who has children (or considering it) you have to understand that his children are priority, as they should be, and it is imperative that he communicates with the mother of his children. Now, you do not have to like it... You do not have to like her... but you have chosen to deal with her when you chose to have a relationship with him. The key to diffusing Baby Mama Drama is avoiding it at all costs.

If the mother of the children is constantly arguing and having confrontations with your boyfriend... Stay out of it. Even if she has your name all up in her mouth, do whatever you have to do to avoid that drama because the truth is it is not about you, it is not about his relationship with you... it is about some issues he and she need to work through and you need to decide if you are willing to wait for them to figure it out. I personally wouldn't want to be in that sort of situation, but if this is the man you choose then this is the baggage that is included.

If you fear that your boyfriend is still intimate with his baby's mother then you need to move on. Because if you have that doubt in your mind then it means one of two things (or both) 1- it very well may be true 2- you have some insecurities and trust issues you need to work on and being in this type of relationship is not going to help at all. This is not a man you want to "fight" for he may very well be a 15% man and I have already warned you about those. The truth is, if he is, do society a favor and let him go and pray he reconciles with his baby mother so we can put an end to broken homes in the African American community.

I would suggest that until you guys are really serious (like engaged- as in with a ring and a paid deposit on the reception site) you should limit the amount of time you spend with his children. Even if he insists, YOU have to know that by waiting until you two are most serious it will be healthier for the children and for the bond you all may potentially form.

Dating a man with a Baby's Mama doesn't necessarily have to be a deal breaker, but realize that it is not easy. If you are considering dating and becoming serious with him I would suggest that you take a moment and reflect on your level of personal security, trust issues, boundaries, and effective communication skills, because this is not just about you two there is a 3rd adult involved as well as precious children.

Him having kids doesn't have to equal "Baby Mama Drama" I think that is a common misconception and a wide spread fear women have which is why they may stay away. Some mothers are strictly platonic friends with the father of their children and only deal with him when it is concerning the kids. Before you jump to conclusions get a feel for how their relationship works and see if it is something you can handle (be real with yourself hun).

I don't think this is a deal breaker I think it just takes a different type of Diva to make it work!

Thoughts? Have you ever been in this situation? How did it go?

The Art of Revealing: His Intentions

This post will address the art of revealing his intentions, ways to know he has no intention of being in a committed relationship. This is not as hard as some women would like it to be. I always stand by the saying, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."

If you are talking to a man, and he is showing you through his actions and/ or his words that he is not ready for a committed relationship then he's not ready. He won't be ready after you have sex with him, he won't be ready if you wait around patiently like a "good girl," he won't be ready if you show him your worth (whatever that means)… He will be ready, when HE makes that decision. Needless to say he may attempt to throw some mix signals, but are they really that mixed? Really? Lets see…

1. He calls me every day and we talk all night, but he still doesn't want to be in a committed relationship.


2. He tells me he really like spending time with me, however he still has other female friends and avoids talking about "us" and our future.


3. We have sex every now and then and he told me that he loves me and enjoy being with me.


4. He never calls me but always wants me to call him


5. He tells me everything, I feel like his confidant, he told me he never told anyone else what he told me, but he still treats me as a "friend"


6. We meet up when he wants to meet up, he's typically not available when I hit him up, but I still leave a message and he calls back (eventually)


7. We spend a lot of time together and he says all the right things, then I don't hear from him for days.


8. We have great conversation, he's fun to be around but he seems to think its okay to suggest that we 'hook-up'

This man is doing just enough to intrigue you and have you think the relationship is going somewhere, then he is pulling back just enough to remind you that he isn't ready to be with you.

The problem (if it isn't clear) is that 1- He is controlling the relationship, the pace, the potential… even if it's ultimately not going anywhere it is he who is controlling it to his advantage. 2- By accepting his behavior you are giving him the permission and power to jerk you around like that.

In revealing his intentions the best way to understand where you stand is to ask… He could either give you double talk- saying he doesn't know but he really likes you etc., or he could give a direct answer- "no I am not ready for a relationship," or he could avoid answering the question completely by changing the subject- "do we have to talk about this right now… how bout you let me give you a massage?"

Though they may seem like three different responses they are actually the same, "I am not ------- (ready to, interested, thinking about, considering, have a desire to) have a committed relationship with you"

If you find yourself in this situation it is imperative that you are first real with yourself in deciding what you want from the relationship.

If you want to be in committed relationship with him, then you need to work towards letting him

go… immediately.

If you only want to be friends, lets get real! Ask yourself this if you saw him in public with another woman would it anger you? Jealousy maybe? Be really real with yourself, are you trying to be his "friend" because you hope he will eventually come around and be your knight in shining armor? How certain are you that this is (or will be) a healthy friendship?

If you feel compelled to stay because you think he will come around…. WAKE UP FOOL!! The chances of that are slim, and your waiting will grow into anxiety, you will begin to push the topic of a relationship a bit more, you will begin to forget about your boundaries with hopes that he will realize how much of a "catch" you are. Just know, if he does succumb to your pressure and claims to be committed to you don't be surprised if the relationship is extremely bumpy and very little changes

Ultimately the art of revealing his intentions is right before your eyes. It is not nearly as complex as you may want it to be, it is simple, however asking the question, accepting the truth and moving on is difficult.

Thoughts?

Freaky Friday Fact: The Ultimate Form of Castration?

Is being in a committed relationship or marriage the ultimate form of castration? According to a Harvard Medical Study, yes it is!

The study found that men who are married or in a romantically committed relationship have significant lower testosterone levels compared to other (single) men. I read that simply holding an infant lowers testosterone as well! How does this affect our relationships? Some men may be disturbed by the thought of becoming less of a man once they say, "I do." It is bad enough society is constantly ridiculing the plight of the committed man, then here comes science proving that there may be some truth to those locker room jokes.

As a woman, a married woman... I am not complaining! The Lord knows what He is doing! The hormones are lowering in order to help the man adapt to creating a home and a family. It doesn't make them "less of a man" but instead less of a horny teenager and more of a stable, supportive, engaging MAN and Partner. Now-Now testosterone does some many amazing things; from giving him that sensual deep voice, charming facial hair, and phenomenal drive in bed. So we want him to keep those qualities and biologically he can and will! If things begin to fade (like the sex) there's always a little blue pill to help with that!

Happy Freaky Friday & As always it will be sweeter if he wraps his peter!!

Thoughts?

On the Prowl: Men We Should Avoid Dating & Why We Don't

Womanizer

Description: Some may refer to this type as “player” or “dog” whatever your choice of words they are pretty much the same. This is the well dresses, smooth talking, flirtatious man who has to surround himself with females. He has female acquaintances wherever he goes, often refers to them as “friends.” You know the type…

Why Avoid Him: If it’s not obvious, he probably doesn’t respect your time or that of any woman. He feeds his ego with the attention he gets from women and that’s bound to lead to something physical.

Why We Do Not Avoid Him: We want to see what all the fuss is about… We assume there is a very good reason these women are (seemingly) swooning over him. And also, we want to “tame” him, for some reason we believe we are going to be THE ONE who makes him change his ways or modify them a bit.

Baby Boy

Description: This is the guy who may not be on your level intellectually or common sense-wise. And his naivety and ignorance is somewhat charming, and you feel compelled to take him under your wing. He’s not as clueless as he comes off to be but he thrives off of women who assume the maternal role when dealing with him.



Why Avoid Him: Because you do everything while he plays dumb… or incapable. He’s the one that you’re trying to help find a job (he doesn’t really want), trying to help with the custody battle (he doesn’t care to win), trying to help get back in school (he probably just want the student loan check)… You feel like, “yeah, let me help a brotha out” when in reality you just doing the foot work to bring him to excellence while he’s perfectly content chilling in mediocrity.


Why We Do Not Avoid Him: We feel we have an obligation of some sort to help him out. Perhaps even motivate him. He talks big, and we are often persuaded by his pipedreams that we want to lend him a hand. That maternal instinct begins to kick-in and we actually feel really good about what we’re doing… until we realize how he’s playing us!

Thug


Description: Thug, dope boy, trap-star, whatever you want to call him. Driving a Chevy _____ (fill in the blank) on 22’s. Often engaged in illegal activities, and carries a gun somewhere on him or in his car. He has truly embraced the streets by choice. Do I need to elaborate? I don’t think so…


Why Avoid Him: Uhm, really do I need to answer that? SIGH for my lost divas allow me to explain. He’s living a lifestyle where he doesn’t value his life and the lives of others so why would he value your life… time… body… heart? Yes, even thugs need love, but not yours hunny that’s a road you do not want to travel down.


Why We Do Not Avoid Him: Something about the bad boys… There is some excitement mixed with fear that gets our blood flowing throughout the body. The demeanor, the tattoos, the way he talks can be appealing (especially when you’re brain is being flooded with all these rappers trying to be sex symbols *yuck*). And once again you may want to be the woman who “changes” him or you want to be the one he FINALLY settles down with. That sort of accomplishment makes you feel valuable, or worthy despite settling for less than your worth… Do you really want that lifestyle? Do you really think he’s going to give up his for you? Do you want that burden of trying to pull him from the streets while at the same time furthering your life goals and pursuits? No.

Forever Friend

Description: This guy is someone who you met, and thought you two really hit it off and would perhaps become an item, however it never actually took off. He is the guy who calls you and floods your ear with flirtatious comments and asks the “questions” (you know the ones you ask before you start officially dating) getting your hopes up and have you believing you two have a future. You even mess around a couple of times, a kiss here and there, maybe some oral… maybe even some sex (geesh I hope not). He comes and goes as he pleases, its obvious you’re the only female he’s talking too and he makes it a point to tell you how much he admires you and values you guys friendship. Yes FRIENDship.



Why Avoid Him: Because he wants to be your friend with benefits for as long as he can get away with it. Why is this bad? Because he’s wasting your time! He doo-dallying around while putting his hand all up in your cookie jar, without making a commitment. He says just enough to have you thinking it could go somewhere but it never does. What is so important when dealing with this guy is not to try to force HIM to make his intentions clear… but for YOU to make yours clear and be consistent because, by playing the “friend” role you can really get hurt when you see him with another “friend” and have to face the reality that you never sealed the deal. So long as you allow him to play… he will.


Why we Do Not Avoid Him: Because we want to believe we are strong enough to maintain a friendship with this man without being romantically attached… We’re afraid that if we present him with an ultimatum he will reject us, so we opt to wait for him to come around and he will “come around” but not with the intentions you desire. We think breaking off the “friendship” will make us look bad, like we couldn’t handle it, and the truth is- we can’t and that is okay, nobody wants to be emotionally tormented.

15% Man


Description: Extremely attractive, outgoing, nice, guy you met through another friend , he wasn’t very aggressive but clearly showed interest. He makes it known that he’s single and looking and is quite obviously a good catch, until you find out he just broke up with his girlfriend who he openly describes as being a psycho heart breaker.



Why Avoid Him: Because you are only getting 15% of his attention both emotionally and physically. The other 85% is obsessed with his ex and proving he can get over her. It may seem like he’s over her but within weeks he’s mentioning meeting up with her for lunch (and you act like you’re cool with it) or from time to time he says “my ex used to …” or even worse they have the same mutual friends, which makes it extremely awkward for you when meeting them.


Why we Do Not Avoid Him: Because he’s the relationship type, who would be such a great boyfriend and potential husband… We want to believe he will get over her and it will be all about you. You know you deserve a good man! Yes, he’s a good man but he’s not YOUR man, not entirely only a mere 15%, so just let him go.




Question to the Reader? Have you ever settled for a man you knew you should have avoided for one of the following reasons; he was very attractive, the sex was good, or you hate being alone?

Heart of the Matter: How to have a Successful Break?

Sometimes relationships get to a point when either you or your partner feel you need a "break." What is a break? Well technically it is whatever you two decide it is but generally it is when you two are together but not formally together until you figure out how to overcome whatever issue is at hand.

Breaks can make or "break" a relationship... And clearly given the title of the act it typically breaks the relationship. Can you have a successful break? Not only can you have a successful break, but you can come back together stronger than you were before the break.

7 Tips to Having a Successful "Break"

1- Identify the purpose of the break: Ask the question why? And don't be afraid to press yourself or partner for an answer because the answer to the very question is the issue at hand and you need to identify the issue to overcome it. If you do not feel the need to ask "why?" then maybe you should ask "why not just break up?" To be honest, a break takes just as much commitment as a relationship just with more distance from your partner.

2- Make a goal: You and your partner should be able to come up with one or two goals for the break. An example of a goal would be; "After the break I would like for you make an effort to trust me and stop going through my phone" or "After the break I want you to stop throwing the past in my face." Having a goal is crucial because if you two achieve this goal this means that you are better now than you were before.

3- Rules and Restrictions: You two have to decide on rules, do not dictate the rules to your partner, but instead discuss them. If you do not make clear rules and restrictions then you are heading towards a break-up... Make the rules realistic to you and your relationship, they may be something like; 1- No sex (oral, anal, vaginal...whatever) 2- No dating 3- Call at least once a week (every Sunday to check on progress of relationship). Now during some breaks the couples are encouraged to date other people in order for them to gain some perspective on their relationship or relationships in general, like I said it depends on your specific relationship.

4- Communicate: Make it a point or even a rule, to communicate periodically, dramatically less than before but at least once or twice a week. You need to communicate in order to see where you two stand in terms of the goals. It can be a mere 5 minute conversation where one of you expresses "I'm still working on it" and that's it! But you need to communicate.

5- Distance: I just stressed the importance of communication, now on the flip side, distance is just as critical. Take some time out for yourself, your purpose, your goals and really commit to working on that for personal growth, because regardless whether or not you choose to reconcile it is important for you and your future relationships. Sometimes you see things more clearly when you take a few steps back.

6- Time: You two should set a check in date or time frame. This is to give you two some incentive to work towards the goals but also, you don't want to be taking a break for years. Perhaps after a month you two meet for lunch or dinner and discuss where you stand and where you want to go from here. You may opt to continue with the break (set another check in date), get back together, or break up. This discussion may happen sooner but just in case the break lingers having a check in date allows you to stay informed and possibly get back together.

7- Respect the Break: This final rule is basically saying that if you're on a break and know you truly need the break do not engage in activities that would ruin it or even your relationships future. If you feel you can not respect the rules and restrictions then you may need more than a break. Also, if he needs space give him that space you want your man to come back to you, you do not want to have to haunt him down and bring him back because he may not want to be there. If he stays in line with the goals, rules, check ins etc. feel comfort that he is doing what he can to be better for the relationship. If he is not then you may need more than a mere break.

Homewrecker...

Her name is Ashley Madison, and she is helping destroying marriages across the nation (or world!). I hesitated to do this post because I didn’t want to draw anymore attention to the despicable Ashley but I think we all should be aware.

AshleyMadison is a website for married people to join and discretely find other people to engage in an affair. Their motto is “Life’s short. Have an affair”… What the hell! And the site is actually quite popular despite having steep membership fees but people will pay for anything nowadays, especially sex.

"Infidelity is a fact of life and we do not judge the many reasons why people sign up for their free Ashley Madison membership," said Biderman. "Services like Ashley Madison did not invent the behavior of infidelity. Instead, www.AshleyMadison.com provides a safe and successful platform for those individuals who've decided to proceed down this path. “

I believe if a person wants to cheat they will cheat. Through AshleyMadison, Craigslist Personal Ads, other social networks, willing people… whatever, however, whenever… whoever. Nevertheless, it angers me that there is a social network that encourages such behaviors. I don’t think anger is the word…

Was AshleyMadison.com inevitable? Or did it already exists in other forms? Thoughts?

Freaky Friday: Intro to Erotica

Today's post is the first of more to come of this type it is about Erotica. We all may be familiar with the Zane books or whatnot, however, I wanted to focus on some artists and writers who have such a spiritual and somewhat profound understanding of the erotic that it becomes something that is as empowering as much as it is sensual.

The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings. It is an internal sense of satisfaction to which, once we have experiences it, we know we an aspire. For having experienced the fullness of this depth of feeling and recognizing its power, in honor and self-respect we can require no less of ourselves

The very word "erotic" comes from the Greek word eros, the personification of love in all aspects- born of Chaos, and personifying creative power and harmony. When I speak of erotic, then, I speak of it as an assertion of the lifeforce of women, of that creative energy empowered, the knowledge and use of which we are now reclaiming in our language, our history, our dancing, our loving, our work, our lives. --Audre Lorde

This Freaky Friday post will feature 3 black erotica poems, I categorized them into WARM, HOT, and FIRE regarding their degree of "heat" or erotic expression, because I understand all my readers may not be ready for the FIRE, or some may not be warmed by the HOT. So please enjoy, comment, and most importantly experience.

WARM

From Teach Me

Michelle Renee Pichon

i want you

to teach me

i'm ready to learn

i want you to teach me

the warmth of your breath

the weight of your body

i want to experience

the trembles heat

sweatfireiceconvulsionsgraspsthrusts

spasmsscaressescriesscreamuntil…

i

can barely

breathe

educate me with your

mouth tongue shoulders arms fingers

chest hips thighs legs feet toes

i want you

to teach me

i'm ready

to learn

class begins

right

now

HOT

Midnight Licorice Nights

P.J. Gibson

I want midnight licorice nights to find us

Sucking on the juice of our evening sup

Savoring the full course of the midday feast

Arms, legs, breasts, chests wet in the waves of love’s spicy sauces

I want the sautéed makings of morning’s rise to seduce our nostrils

And beckon us to dine again

Swallowing rounds of bursting orange on the sheets of the universe

I want to forever unfold the menu of you

Open the dish of chance

Sip the ambrosia of erotic litchi

Pithing and sweatshop juice

I want to banquet eternally in you and you in me

Marinating in the liquids of our joys

Simmering in the heat of

Cool blue flames of midnight licorice nights

Midnight licorice nights of you

FIRE

All in Good Taste

Nelson Estupinan Bass

You should, my love, let me have you all in good taste

naked: strip you piece down, if you please ,

to where, your beauty exposed, I would have you

laid back against the earth, tree branch and sky above

Mangos that they are, just let me suck at your breasts,

take into myself, drop by drop, the sweetness that you are

mounted, let me celebrate you with the nectar of madness

unrestrained, at the curve and the hollow of your waist

You’ll see then, and very much in good taste, too

how your body shivers and turns under tongue of fire,

how a sword cuts a softsweet path through your defenses.

Past those hidden locks, and full force, you’ll feel

how my sperm surges upward, a flood that reaches

its overflow at the ramparts of your high wallsBll in Good Taste

Thoughts? Comments?
Have any favorite erotica writers you're like for me to feature?