5.06.2009

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

We all know the nursery rhyme about good ol' Humpty Dumpty falling off of that wall, broke to pieces, and all of the man power available could not put him back together.

The rhyme never specifies that Humpty is an egg, but it makes sense that he would be- I mean, geesh, have you ever tried to put together a pieces of a broken egg? If you have ever been in a relationship where the trust was lost or "broken," then sure you have.

I believe it is a common fallacy, that trust can always be rebuilt, in many cases it can not. Love comes and goes because love is sturdy and with effort can be reignited. Trust however, much like an egg, is very fragile and when broken the parties involved need to prepared for three things;


1- Putting in the Work: It is a long and often strenuous process when rebuilding trust.

Typically, the lover at fault believes that an apology should suffice when often that isn't nearly enough. Because of the guilt they may feel the lover at fault may be reluctant to have the discussions and answer the questions needed to help the relationship move on. Unfortunately, they opt to place their comfort before the potential of the relationship.

When trust is broken and you want to try to continue with the relationship, one of the first things BOTH lovers must accept is that it is going to be a very difficult journey and they need to be open to communicating, learning, and forgiving.
In a previous post The Sweetest Revenge ,I discuss the difference between manipulation and whole hearted forgiveness... check that out when you get a chance.
To be honest, a couple doesn't want to have to constantly revisit such a dark time in their relationship, and feel comfortable with simply ignoring the issue, because they love and want the relationship but do not want to put in the work and effort to handle the malice that will haunt their potential, beware of this...

2-Love Changes: Acknowledging and accepting that though they have put it together most of the pieces it will never be the same again

When couples work very hard at regaining that trust and strengthening that bond it can be a very rewarding experience. These couples should understand that though they have worked hard at rebuilding the trust is will never be the same again.

Now, that can be a good and bad thing. I personally, believe that it can be very positive if both lovers are committed to accepting that change for the sake of the relationship. The changes that may occur, can range from interest in sex to amount of daily conversations.

During the process of rebuilding trust the lover may need time to deal with their new found insecurities and that alone can be a long, yet worthwhile, journey. And the lover at fault may be encouraged to be more affectionate than usual, more attentive than usual, cut out the activities that may have caused them to break that trust... All of these things are changes and affect the dynamics of the relationship.

So often a lover will confess they "just want things to be like they use to be" that's normal- just think back to when you were dating how fresh and tantalizing things were! However, it is very unrealistic, with the ups and downs a relationship is constantly shifting and evolving- some for better and some for worse.

Don't be afraid of the growth because not only are their lessons within that growth, but it will also help you decide if that relationship is where you need to be at this point in your life.

3-Couldn't put him back together again: Often the trust will not be rebuilt and you should consider re-evaluating the relationship.


Unfortunately, most trust issues are never resolved. I can list hundreds of reasons why, but the message is not necessarily in the reasons, but that if both parties are not willing to do what is necessary and put forth that grand effort (discussed in point #1) to salvage the relationship then it may be time to let it go... be it for now by taking a break, as I discuss in my post on How to Take a Break or for good.

If you or your partner feel you are fighting an uphill battle, are growing weary, and feel trying to rebuild the trust is driving a wedge between you two instead of pulling you together before you give up consider getting a third party involved. It may be easier to address the issues with a counselor who is impartial and simply wants you two to be healthy and happy whether you are together or apart.

If that isn't an option because you don't feel the relationship is that deep then do what you feel need to do, but don't beat yourself up thinking you have failed your relationship.

It is a very difficult time for a relationship when trust is broken and often such devastation require you to have some space to Reflect, Reevaluate, and Remedy.

7 comments:

(fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik] said...

I'm going to make this apart of my daily mantra:

"Reflect, Reevaluate, and Remedy"!!!

Certified Diva aka Chivonne said...

Yes!! I think its so important to do that... but often I neglect to take time to Reflect, Reevaluate, and Remedy... but I must do it!! To maintain my sanity ;-)
Thanks for your comment!!

LLnL said...

I think sometime the problem comes when we give put trust freely, at least I'm guilty of that. As an adult I'm beginning to understand that it is good to make people earn your trust. It is annoying for a trustworthy person to feel like they have to prove themselves, but I think that is better than trusting without really knowing someone.

Know that I'm the internet I feel tested all the time, I would love to take every stranger at their word and believe they are who they present themselves to be. I hate feeling gullible but I also hate being upset at someone who is innocent. With more assumptions than facts at my disposal I am trying to be a little slower to befriend people sight unseen. Also I'm learning that my family should have to earn my trust too. That is a hard on for me to wrap my head around,but very necessary.

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hello there! {waves}

This is SOOO TRUE!

There are so many sistas who want to "fix" a man and who think that just because he SAYS that he seeks change that he is equipped for mental transformation...

@ LLnL

Family members do not get a "free" pass. They must earn trust and earn the right to have access to you. Being biologically related is not a permanent life-time ball and chain...people have to show that they are worthy of having a healthy-emotional relationship with you...whether they are related or not. We can't allow unhealthy relationships simply because we are blood relatives.

I wrote about this in my post, "Bondage In The Black Family". Too many black women think that they HAVE to be there for family or else they feel guilty. Demanding reciprocity is important in all relationships...even family relationships.

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!
Lisa

eric said...

Thank you for this post. I can recall when I lost trust in an ex-girlfriend, and our relationship never was the same, eventually ending in a passive manner. Communicate, people! :)

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